My spring break has been full of fun.  So far I have had a mamogram and a bladder test...see what I mean?  Fun!  Today I had a bladder test to determine if I am going to need surgery.  I won't know the results for a week.  The test was not really fun...but we did determine that I am not emptying all the way.  That could be part of the problem with the urinary tract infections I keep having.  This test will give alot of information and will help to decide if I need bladder retraining, medicine or surgery.  How do they retrain my bladder?  After this test today, I am afraid to ask.   The mamogram was my yearly test...nothing extra.  I didn't have one last summer after my whirlwind journey began so I am playing catch up. 

Hannah called yesterday from Brazil.  Things are going well there.  Today was a building day and tomorrow will be as well.  Tomorrow night they will have the dedication service.  I know it seems very fast but building a church there isn't the same as here.  Their building standards are relaxed...otherwise they wouldn't have teenage girls doing the work!  Thursday they have a free day and are going to the beach.  If you look at South America they are on the most Eastern tip.  She said it is a rural area and that the houses are far apart so there are not as many children to play with as previous years.  That evidently has made the building go faster, not having to stop and play with kids during the day.  She said the area is beautiful and totally different from the other areas she has been to.  Aaron is having fun as well.  He has bonded with an 8 year old boy and they are big buddies.  He did get sick on the plane on the way over.  I asked him if he took his dramamine and he said, "right before I threw up."  He plans to take his medicine earlier on the flight back. They did not know any more about the strike so I am assuming things are go for them to return home.  They leave on Friday but will not be back until Saturday...they will fly all night.  Please continue to pray for them as they travel.

There are some wonderful people in Cancerland.  Many strangers turn to friends along the way when there is a common bond of pain and heartache.  It is not unlike the mommy phenomenon that joins all who are mothers.  I remember being stunned that I could stand in a line at Wal-Mart, and talk to a total stranger about constipation or ear infections.  The same holds true in Cancerland…the words are different, but the idea is the same. I could hold a conversation about blood counts or nausea with someone across the country and we are bonded. 

In my graduate class, there is a woman whose son is battling brain cancer…again.  He has had a recurrence, after being declared cancer free.  This nightmare is one that those in Cancerland live with…that you may never truly leave Cancerland. This mother is in my online class and lives across the country from me, but my heart breaks for her as they undergo treatment again.  She was rejoicing over my blood count the other day when she wrote a line that struck me deeply, “Congratulations!  Enjoy your freedom and the extra time you have been given.”  These simple words have a profound meaning.

 Considering what she is currently facing, I take them to heart.  Every day I live without doctors, hospitals, and drugs means freedom.  I want to forget those days, and even though it has only been a couple of weeks, I have found that they are easy to delete from my memory.  She reminded me not to let them go but rather, to appreciate what they gave to me…extra time.  To think about it as ‘extra’ is unsettling.  However, in reality every day we live is an extra day.  We rarely look at it that way when we are complaining about work, or arguing with our kids.  It seems a burden on those days.  Yet, it is one more day we get to live this life.  We can use it to love our children, or make some kind of difference in the world around us.  On the other hand, we can choose to be bitter and unforgiving by holding on to our hurts or blinded to his love by our own faults.

  God made each and every day, and there is a purpose for each one.  We only have to remember to ask him to show us and then look for it.  That is what it means to be truly free…choosing his purposes over ours.  Peace instead of revenge.  Forgiveness over bitterness.  Life and love over death.  Our physical bodies may not cooperate, ahh but our hearts…our hearts are what matter. He only wants our hearts to be bonded with his.  The amazing peace that follows surpasses understanding.  Fears fall away and doubts take a back seat to his incredible redeeming love.  Our little pea-brains cannot fathom it, that is why it is called faith.  One step off the abyss and we are caught in the arms of Abba father.  He swings us around and looking into our eyes, he smiles…he laughs…and dances like a father with his child.  Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound.   How will you spend your extra time?     

All your prayer warriors out there can pray for Hannah and Aaron this week.  They left for Brazil yesterday morning at 9:30.  When they arrived in Maimi they had to sit on the plane because there was a power outage at the airport.  They had a 6 hour layover in Miami.  At some point they found out that the air traffic controllers in Brazil went on strike.  They didn't know if they could even get to Brazil.  After some delays they got word that their flight to San Paulo could go but there were no promises they would have their connecting flight when they got there.  They decided to risk it.  They got to San Paulo at 6:30 this morning but had to circle for extra times because of the fog.  When they landed it was past time for their connecting flight.  But as they were going through customs they found out that they had held the plane for our group...so they made their flight.  30 hours after they left here they finally arrived at their desination Ricefe, Brazil.  It has been an adventure already!  I am assuming since they got their flight that the strike is over.  We also found out today that their plane to San Paulo was the only one allowed in...all others were canceled. 

I figure that if there are so many forces at work against them getting there God must have something big planned for this trip.  I would appreciate your prayers for safety, as this chain of events hasn't been exactly comforting to a mom separated from her children.  All anxiety aside I do, trust God has them in the palm of his hand.  Those that are leading this trip have done it many times and they are connected to many churches in Brazil.  I am confident that they will handle any bumps that come up along the way.  I will update you when I hear more, which should be later in the week.

Guess what I found?  Another writing about a waterfall trip Bill and I took several years ago.  I think it is interesting to compare my writing with my writing.  Here is the "old" waterfall piece.  See what you think.

            I never cease to be amazed by how God is so visible in  nature.  It doesn’t matter how many summer nights I have watched lightning bugs, and the sound of katydids can still peacefully lull me to sleep.  In my lifetime, I have seen hundreds of waterfalls but if given the chance, I will drop everything at a moments notice to go and see the wonder.  I think it is true that all creation praises his name.  I love to watch for him in nature.  If I look and listen carefully, I always gain some new understanding about God that I didn’t know before. 

            It’s like nature is God’s word picture. For example, I love to watch the water hurl itself with abandon over the falls.  It never looks back or tries to go back up the falls.  As a kid, I used to try to watch one drop of water all the way down the falls.  You should try it sometime.  It is easy, just pick one drop, or group of drops as they come over the top then with your eyes follow just that group until they get to the bottom.  It kind of makes the waterfall go in slow motion.  Once you have done it a few times you begin to see the waterfall is actually made up of many individual drops.  We tend to just watch them as a whole, but when you watch the parts of the whole, it is fascinating. 

            My husband and I went to a local waterfall last week for our anniversary.  It is just like God to put us together with someone who sees a different perspective than ours.  My husband is a musician therefore he hears music everywhere.  I am a writer, so I see things like pictures in my mind.  So as I am looking at the drops of water, he is hearing them.  We stopped all along the trail to listen to the water.  He pointed out to me that the waterfall sound we love is made up of many individual sounds.  And when I closed my eyes and listened I found he is right.  I could hear the hiss of the foam as water went over the rocks.  I could hear dripping and swishing yet, when you do not try to pick those sounds apart I only hear rushing powerful waters.  God is a great teacher.  He used both mine and my husbands learning styles to teach us the same thing.

You know I cannot resist writing about the nature of God when an opportunity presents itself…this weekend Bill and I went to a waterfall and I was inspired. 

First, I was just so grateful to be there.  I hadn’t recognized the part of me that thought I would never be able to walk to a waterfall again.  That part surfaced after our long walk into the valley to see Dukes Creek Falls.  Watching the water launch from the heights brought my own tears flowing.  After the realization that I am free to walk and move again, I took a long rest on a bench basking in the sun.  Just watching and listening to the water…waiting to hear Gods voice and to see him in the day.  He did not disappoint. 

Waterfalls show us so much about the power of God.  The force of the waters leaping creates a beautiful image of God pouring himself out for us.  Humility was the very nature of Jesus that caused him to lower himself to the highest place of servanthood.  Only God could think of lowering himself to display his power…it is the opposite of how we think, but the waterfall shows us.  The drops throw themselves over the top and down to the pool below.  There is exuberance as they go as if they are shouting or singing of the secret to the power.  The lowest place is the highest.  The river of joy that carries peace in its current now shows us how to leap out in faith…to fall on our faces with beauty. 

It is amazing really to think of how powerful falling can be.  There is force in the fall that causes us to abandon control of our own lives.  Once the leap over the edge is made, the rest is up to God.  Where he takes us, how long it takes us to get there, what happens along the way becomes a matter of trusting him.  We allow him to demonstrate his power through our lives…not by striving to do so, but by humbly jumping into his arms.  The prayers we cry out when we fall are like the voices of many waters…powerful...beautiful.  They are music to his ears, as the sound of a waterfall is to ours.    

I have not fallen off the planet.  I know you are wondering what has happened...LIFE has happened.  I am better and my children's schedules have picked up because it is spring.  I am excited to report that the doctor said I don't have to return to her until July!  My shots are finished!  The only thing medical I have coming up is a bladder test...to try to find out why I keep having these infections and to see if my bladder needs "retraining."  I didn't even know that was possible!  I will have this test over spring break and we will see what the result is.  The doctor did not seem to think I need surgery.  My bladder is in the right place and has not dropped but she wants this test anyway just to get a clearer picture of what is going on.  I am relieved to have most of the medical behind me...now the goal is to make it to the five year mark with no reocurrance.  As you can tell my writing time has been cut down considerably because my life is picking up...and I am back in graduate school with a paper due every week.  I have enjoyed this blog and it has pushed me to write daily.  I will continue it...though maybe not quite everyday.  I am still going to write a book and I will post some of what I am working on here first for your comments and feedback.  I am grateful for all your prayers and would love to continue to recieve them as I walk through these next recovery stages.  You are all such blessings to me I am indeed a blessed woman!

A strong floral scent hangs in the air.  Roses and carnations in the colors of spring surround the room.  Teddy bears gaze out between the baby’s breath, and pink balloons float over a child-sized casket.  This picture should not happen.  Innocence and death do not belong together in the same room. It does not seem right for a beautiful, almost three year old girl, to be lying in such a place.  My mind cannot grasp it.  The images on the running video screen are scrapbook photos… birthday parties, trips to see Santa, and family gatherings. 

Tragedy strikes in the most unlikely places.  Little Emily would have been three years old soon, but she drifted away in her sleep before she could make it to her birthday. Somehow, when it is a child, the line between life and death seems more precarious…like a tightrope.  Isn’t that why we, as parents, try so hard to protect our little ones?    We hope to be the net that catches them when they fall. However, when the worst happens it hits home that we have no guarantees. This is where faith comes in…trusting that God knows, even when we cannot possibly understand.  There are no words to explain the grief and pain.  There are only questions.  We cling to one another and ask questions as our faith quakes around us. 

It is a wonderful thing that our God knows what it is like to lose a child.  His heart knows this horror.  His arms have ached with emptiness.  His eyes have filled with tears of grief.  He knows this kind of love that breaks hearts so deeply…so in turn, he can comfort us.  There is a blanket of peace as we turn to him in this despairing moment.  He reserves a sweetness for the brokenhearted.  He knows.  He has been there.

Emily loved heroes.  She wanted to be one like on TV.  Even at such a young age, she instinctively knew that to help people and save lives is a great thing.  To fully understand that desire is not necessary to a child.  Children just know. Emily got her wish. As she ran into the arms of Jesus, her little heart provided life to another. She became a hero.  The heart wrenching pain will remain, but there is comfort in the life she left behind.  There is peace knowing that she is, at this very moment, in the arms of Jesus.

I am feeling much better today.  I think that shot was the cause for my pain and yuckiness...

I was looking through some computer files today and came across some of my old writings.  Some of them are years old and haven't ever been read by anyone but me.  I decided to pull some of them out in the next few weeks and share them with you.  This one has some educational lingo in it but I think you will get the point...even if you are not a teacher.  :)

     The carry over or generalization of learned responses from one type of situation to another is called transfer.  It is when one thing that is learned such as 2+2=4 is transferred into another situation such as 2 apples plus 2 oranges 4 pieces of fruit.  Educators know that to teach a skill in isolation isn’t enough if a student cannot apply that skill in other life circumstances.  It is both the joy and the frustration of teachers around the world.  When a student gets it and can apply the knowledge a teacher jumps for joy.  Depression sets in when a student has been taught and cannot transfer the skill to a new situation where it is needed.  Teachers everywhere pour their hearts and souls into making the knowledge transfer for students.  Transfer is learning that becomes knowledge and knowledge that becomes powerful life skills. 

            In my classroom, I recently was frustrated with my students’ lack of transfer.  It seems that no matter how many ways I teach a skill in isolation, when the time comes to use it my students can’t remember what to do.  Therefore, I decided to try something new…yet again.  I decided to get the students involved in assessing themselves.  The problem was they were relying on me to tell them each step.  It was learned helplessness that caused them to be fully dependent on my feed back before proceeding.  It made sense that if they know what the standard is before proceeding, they would be more likely to try to reach it themselves.  This would also allow them be more able to see areas that need improvement.  An amazing thing happened…they got it.  It took a long training process but they got it.  Step by step, we discussed the desired result. What does it look like?  What is the next step to go further?  How can you change your work to make it better meet the standard?  After much discussion they began to see and evaluate their own work.  They made changes on their own because they knew what was expected.  Then an even more amazing thing happened.  They started to transfer.  They began noticing that more than one subject used the same standards.  They applied the skills they used to meet the standards in other areas.  I was jumping for joy!!!!

            It occurred to me that God is probably teaching for transfer.  He leads me through life teaching me his lessons like…forgiveness, so that I can forgive a coworker.  He teaches me about grace in my own life so that I can extend grace to those around me.  He is the ultimate teacher.  It is so easy to read about God’s lessons in the word…but to transfer them to life…that is the hard part.  Of course the standard is perfection, and it is impossible to reach.  But that in itself is a lesson isn’t it?    Grace is amazing…when you get it.  One taste of this “life skill” deep in your heart and you are changed.  You begin to see the transfer to other areas and how it applies there. 

            The self-assessment piece adds another dimension.  If we humble ourselves and say how do I fall short, how can I improve, how can I apply what God has taught me to everyday life and problems… we begin to take responsibility for our own learning.  We look around for application, instead of waiting for the pastor or some mentor to show us what to do, we see for ourselves.  We can allow God to be our teacher and transfer what he shows us into life.  The standard is perfection, holiness, righteousness.  Can we meet it?  No way, not without grace.  How do you transfer that lesson to life?  You know that you are dependent on the blood of Jesus for everything.  To meet the standard and to increase your skill level you have to know him.  Performing for him will never transfer.  Only knowing him and his heart of grace for you will bring you to a place of learning that is knowledge and power.

Today I am feeling bad.  I think the new shot is kicking in.  More accurately, during the middle of the night it kicked in with bone pain.  It is a flashback of chemo...yucky feeling stomach, achey all over.  I think that it is short lived.  I have been in bed for a good half of the day.  Now I have been up and out some so I am feeling better.  We are going to Peter's soccer game in a few.  I am glad that it is shorter than chemo pain but I will also be glad when my shots are finished...next week!  My bones can have a rest then!

I wanted to give everyone an update...Good news.  My blood is up to 11.9!  One more shot next week should do it.  They changed my medicine this week because they didn't think the other one was keeping my blood up enough...since last week I went from 10.8 to 10.9.  However, they took my blood before the shot this week so the new medicine had nothing to do with the gain.  I am excited that it is about back to normal.  She said that all the other parts of my blood look great...all in normal range and strong.  Whew...I am flying high today.