I am sitting on my back porch.  I cleaned  and kicked the dogs out this morning.  I do this each year...except last year.  It is thundering so there is a cool breeze.  My family is all off shopping for Mother's Day gifts for me.  I am enjoying my porch again...I love it out here. 

I am thinking back to last night's Relay for Life.  It was different from last weeks but still meaningful.  Bill and my kids, my parents and his parents all walked together.  It was awesome to have almost my complete support system walking together.  Bill and his dad had on matching shirts as did me and his mom.  That was another acknowledgment that we have walked this road together.  As we rounded the track near my schools tent my friends let out a cheer for me.  That touched my heart and brought tears to the surface.  Afterward, many of them said that when they saw my entire family around me that they were brought to tears as well.  This is all very fresh for all of us.  I am only a 4 month survivor.  It was a blessing to walk a victory lap with so many cheering me on.  It was a good evening.

I heard a great message tonight at church.  First the speaker had two of the students come forward, one boy and one girl.  He poured two big cups of Mountain Dew for each.  One cup had a coffee stirrer in it the other was regular, no lid.  The game was a race to see which one could finish drinking both of their cups the fastest.  Of course, they both chugged the regular one first and then began sucking the straw on the second.  The pace slowed considerably as their mouths tired and their stomachs filled.  The girl gave up because she was too full to drink more.  The guy won when he finished his second cup. 

The speaker used the race as an illustration.  He said it is similar to sitting beside a fast flowing river…the river of God .  It is alive and vibrant.  It flows passionately.  And we sit on the side dying of thirst and sipping it with a straw.  Then when our thirst is not quenched, we have the audacity to blame the river.  It was a great message for the students but for the adults as well.  Are you sipping?  Playing church?  Do you dip your straw into the living water occasionally or are you chugging?  His point was that it is our choice to sip or chug.  Our sipping never changes unless we decide to drink deeply. 

This illustration reminded me of my motto to live fully.  I think it is more than just gulping the water.  I think to live fully you have to dive in.  Run to the river of God and immerse ourselves in its flow.  We have to desire the passionate relationship and pursue it.  The river is rushing by us as we sip from a straw.  My desire is to jump with abandonment into the flow of God.

     The war came home this week.  One of our own, Jason Harkins, was struck down by a roadside bomb in Iraq .  And with that strike, the heart of every mother wretched within her chest.  It is our nightmare, to bury a child.  There are no words, only unutterable groans and tears as mother’s hearts unite in this horror.  The news is especially cruel the week of Mother’s Day. The fact that he died a hero’s death is little consolation when standing beside your son’s grave.  God must’ve cried like this as he watched his son die at the hands of men.  I am convinced that his heart broke that dark day, just as our hearts are broken today for Jason’s family. 

Violence isn’t new to our world.  It has been here since the dawn of time when man chose to follow his own selfish desires.  Caine and Able were the first to learn of its power, and we have been killing each other ever since…as God weeps.  History shows us that this is much bigger than a war in Iraq .  It is bigger than our current politics, though the devil would have you think otherwise.  This is a war for our souls.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:12-13. This verse is clear, we are not fighting men and as long as we think that our war is against men, we will loose.  It is not an accident that our country is so divided about this war…that is the master plan of the devil.  Divide and conquer.  It is only when we unite on our faces in prayer that the battle will be won. 

If you need proof that this war is a spiritual battle just ask Jason’s mom, Nancy Fritchey. Nancy is a woman of prayer.  She knows the power of God on her knees.  Last week she helped lead a prayer service for the National Day of Prayer.  She cried out to God for our nation.  She poured out a mother’s heart before the throne for our soldiers and there was power in her prayers.  Today she weeps for her own.  Do you think it is coincidence that her son was killed?  On the day of prayer, the spiritual battle heated up. She struck a blow to the forces of darkness and they did not like it.  The retaliation was swift; the message unmistakable, ‘if you pray people you love will die.’  Isn’t it just like the enemy of our souls, to threaten us with our greatest fear…the fear of losing a child?  He would like nothing more than to grieve us into not praying.  He would like us to fight each other, argue politics, and hate one another.  After all, he comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Our spiritual vision is distorted when we are in emotional pain, then we fall for his tactics and enter into his plan.  His strategy has not changed for generations. 

This week a family is broken in our own community.  The violence half a world away reached out and grabbed us to remind us that our children are not safe.  More than ever, our prayers are needed.  We weep with the family on this Mother’s Day as they await their son’s homecoming.  We cry out to God on their behalf.  We hold them up in prayer when they need God’s strength.  We do not give up the spiritual battle for our children or our country.   We will fight…on our knees.  

To be quite honest with you, I have never known that much about Relay for Life.  I know it is a walk, for cancer, that happens once a year.  I donate every year and participate with the activities at my school, but I have never been to the big community event.  We have always had a family comittment, so the circumstances have never allowed me to attend…until yesterday.  My sister invited me to the Relay in Oconee County .  My parents and my brother came, so it was a family event.  My own children had spread out all over the place and Bill was chaperoning a chorus trip with Peter, so I went alone. 

I have to say I was not expecting the powerful effect this had on me. The survivor tent was the starting point for the opening ceremonies.  It was slightly overcast and cool. The wind was blowing, but the sun was shining between the clouds.  Survivors and their caregivers gathered on one end of the football field at the stadium.  There were people of all ages and hair lengths…mine was not the shortest.   

As the theme from Rocky began to blare over the sound system, the group of purple shirts began to separate out from the others.  Hesitant at first, but gaining courage from the cheers, the purple surged forward between the columns of cheerleaders and flag corp. members. Down the center of the football field, we walked towards the goal line.  I felt a bit like a homecoming queen with flags twirling as I walked by.  Within a couple of minutes, many around me were in tears, as was I.  Strangers just minutes before, we were united by a common experience called cancer.  One woman walked with a cane.  Another girl of 15 or 16 walked bald.  A man in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank, sat and waved his purple shirt as we rounded the track. The cheers from the crowd acknowledged the pain of our journey.  It was humbling to walk by as hundreds of people, many also in tears, clapped for us.   It was moving to say the least.  I found it hard to maintain composure as the strangers in purple shirts joined me in crying tears of release. 

Then, part way around the track of the survivor lap, our caregivers joined us.  My family came and surrounded me just as they did during my illness.  This symbol of support was full of meaning.  I could not have finished the walk, or the treatment, without them.  As we were walking, mom pointed out the luminaries that lined both sides of the track.  I had noticed them, but they were not lit yet and I had not bothered to read the names. After all, I was not in my own county; I did not think there would be any names I would know.  Just then, I noticed my name and thought ‘how amazing to notice my name on one bag among thousands. What are the chances of looking at just the right moment?’  Then I saw my name again and again and again…there were at least 80 bags with my name on them!  I was overcome.  It seems that my sister, a high school teacher, announced my name on the intercom at her school. She also told her students if they did not know anyone’s name to write on their bags that they could use mine.  Over $400 of luminaries were in my name!  Needless to say, this was an emotional moment for me.

Later, during their assigned time, Melinda and I walked with some of her high school students.  One of them gave me free cotton candy.  I guess they wrote my name so many times on the bags that they felt like they knew me!  They supported my sister as she supported me.  Like the ripples on a pond, each ring touches off others and the support spreads.  I had no idea how many people were touched by my illness.  I know the ones that are closest to me, but there are many outer rings that I could not see.  

Cancer tries to steal, but events like this give back some of what I lost on my journey.  It is a visual picture of what community is really all about. (You know how I love visual pictures 🙂  Coming together for a cause like fighting cancer, validates those that have suffered through it.  It also acknowledges that cancer touches more than just the ones that have it.  The caregivers survived the heartache as well.  I did not get to stay to watch luminaries ceremony or walk the lap of silence.  I think it probably would have done me in emotionally if I had.  Last night was a warm-up for White County ’s Relay next week. On Friday, I will know the people both walking and cheering…and that will be even more meaningful.

I am grateful to my sister for inviting the whole family to come walk together.  I believe we were all touched and reminded of what we have fought for this year.  My nieces even sent me a text message, of support during the walk.  The bond of living through suffering and trial together is a strong one.  The survivor walk solidified that unity and reinforced my motto…live fully!

We went to a  cancer survivor dinner tonight.  It is held every year just before Relay for Life.  I was one of the youngest there and my hair was the shortest. One lady told me that she remembers the day she came home and took off her wig and her boobs and said, "I am done!"  That made me laugh and be grateful for what I still do have! It was nice to be among those that understand and have survived a long time.  I got my offical relay survivor t-shirt to where on the 11th at the walk.  From the 350 there tonight it looks like I will be in good company! 

I just got back from the doctor.  My bladder surgery is scheduled for June the 29th at 9:30.  I will be at Gwinnett Medical Center.  The good thing is that it will be an outpatient procedure and I will only be there for 5 or so hours.  The surgery itself only lasts about an hour.  They will be putting a sling around my urethra...yuck.  They found that the problem I am having is that my urethra isn't closing at all....so all the leakage I am having is understandable.  And if it is open always then germs can get in anytime...therefore more infections are probable.  The surgery has a 85 to 95% success rate and most women have no problems afterwards.  He feels that I am a very good candidate.  The recovery time is a week, with no heavy lifting for 3 months.  I scheduled it this summer since I cannot take any more time off of work this year.  Our trip to Alaska is right after school is out so we had to wait until we get home from that.  I will be glad to have it behind me and to get on with life!

I have witnessed a miracle.  Miracles are not expected in our day and time, but I believe that God still performs them. I have a friend named Jessica, and her mother has been in poor health for a number of years.  A few years, ago she and her family made the decision to bring her mother to live in their home.  It was a difficult decision to make because the mother/daughter relationship was tumultuous.  Not many of us escape childhood without scars inflicted by the choices of others.  Jessica and her sister Toni were no exception.  There were deep wounds from the relationship that caused all parties untold pain.  Many friends were concerned about the decision for them to live under the same roof.  However, despite any misgivings and uncertainties Jessica determined to obey God’s voice in her heart and honor her mother.  Instead of sending her to a nursing home, my friend opened her home.  It was a step of faith.

            The past month, her mother’s health has been rapidly deteriorating.  Arthritis has become the enemy that brings unmanageable pain, and somewhere in the midst of this onslaught, death began to creep towards the door.  As time moved forward without a pause, the sisters began preparing for this death.  God brought them together to fight for their mom’s life and in that moment, they spoke the unspoken…they forgave. Love broke down the hardened walls of bitterness.  Humility rushed in to rescue the hearts of hurt.  Unity replaced division.  Tears of transparency washed away years of pain.  It was a modern day miracle…a family resurrected. 

            The mother of my friend passed on today.  She was held in her daughter Toni’s arms as she flew to freedom. The beautiful thing is that there are no regrets.  Nothing left unsaid.  Nothing left undone.  Can you say that about your relationships?   

All was set right between them, and the love that had eluded the mother, was found in the faith of her own children.  It was a precious thing to see.  I am glad to be a witness and to testify that forgiveness has a mighty power to heal.  Death forces us to face the hidden rooms of our soul…the dark places.  God brings the light and exposes the darkness even as he heals the wounds.  Forgiveness is a gift that sets us free.  Will you open it?

I heard from my doctor yesterday.  He is recommending surgery for my bladder problem.  Oh boy!  More fun.  I am to the point with the infections that I am ready to get it over with.  I go on Monday to have a consultation.  He will go over my results and explain what he wants to do.  I do not know too much at this point.  Hopefully I will have a plan of action after the appointment.  I am telling myself that it is minor compared to what I have been through already.  My goal is to be doctor and medicine free.  That may take a few years but I am going to shoot for it anyway.  I am controling my sugar, and exercising so that I can do away with all of this junk. 

Today I went to school for the first time topless…actually wig-less.  I have been waiting because I wanted my hair to be longer and more filled in.  I also wasn’t sure I could handle the blunt honest comments that were sure to come my way.  Kids can be brutal without meaning to.  But it has gotten hot with two layers of hair so, I decided today was the day. 

The kids were surprised.  Some said I did not look like Mrs. Gunnin.  Boys with newly shaved spring haircuts thought it was cool that I had one too. One boy wanted to know why I got my haircut.  It told him I did not get it cut…it just fell out. That got their attention.  I told them my story in kid terms, and they were completely sympathetic.  They asked good questions and some of them were tough.  “Does cancer hurt?”  “How do you know if you get it?”  “What does it feel like when all your hair comes out?”  “How do they know if the medicine you get will make you well?”  On and on they went.

 Because we are currently raising money for Relay for Life, I made myself available to the teachers to come and talk about cancer.  I had the opportunity to share with 8 classes today!  It was an amazing thing to be able to help kids understand the disease they hear about all the time.  They had so many questions and almost every one of them knew someone with cancer. We talked about side-affects, low blood counts, surgery, lifestyles, hair loss, chemotherapy, shots, and a host of other related topics. 

My teacher friends were all supportive, many said I looked “chic.”  I think by coming out with it everyone was proud of me.  They felt my victory and saw it in my eyes as I talked openly.  It made others more comfortable with asking me about my journey. 

I must say that something in me changed a little more today.  When my head was first shaved, I hated it.  I did not like the way it looked.  I felt bad about my appearance.  My trip to the mall with Bill to buy clothes ended in a melt down because of what I saw in the mirror. At church on Easter, I cannot describe it but something changed…in my view of myself.  I think that God made it clear to me that he thinks I am beautiful.  What changed that day was that I received that into my heart.  Being stripped of all human beauty has been a part of living in Cancerland.  Yet, in the midst of the ugliness of the disease, I found beauty.  Today I was uncomfortable with the stares, but I held my head high.  My eyes stand out, and I have found that people look me in the eye more now. I smiled at people, because I am beautiful. I do not know it just because God says it…I feel it now.

When my own children relayed this story to me and I began to study what the Bible has to say about wings and feathers.  I can see two clear concepts.  The first is based on Isaiah 40:30-31.  It deals with mounting up on Eagles wings.

“He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.  Even youth grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will walk and now grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.”  This is a picture of God’s wings being strong.  He is a support that helps us to soar towards his plan and purpose for our lives.

The second is the idea that we are covered with his feathers as in Psalms 91:4.  “He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”  His wings are a place of protection.  To be beneath his wings is to rest and to know you are safe.  He says he longs to take us under his wings as a hen gathers her chicks in Luke 13:34.  Not one sparrow falls to the ground without his knowledge.  He is the protector.

Both of these visual pictures show us God’s faithfulness.  He will allow us, even guide us to fly…to be over the circumstances in life, not under them.  He gives us a God’s eye view so that we can see what is ahead, just as an Eagle surveys the land.  The wind of his Spirit keeps us aloft, moving towards his vision for our lives.  This powerful image inspires us to “fly with him.”

The image of his wings of protection, create a similar picture of his faithfulness.  Not only is he faithful to inspire us towards his vision, he also is faithful in his protection of us as we move towards it.  A hen tucks her little ones under her wing in a storm.  She, herself, takes the punishment of the weather in order to create a warm and safe place for them.  This is a picture of the self-sacrifice of Jesus.  He takes us under his wing.  He covers us with his feathers.  He does not expose us to the storm around us; he surrounds us with his love and care…even his sacrifice so we can be safe. 

The faithfulness of God to give those on the mission trip vision for the people of Brazil was evident as was his faithfulness to protect them.  The night of the church dedication there were words in Portuguese on the back wall of the church.  The kids asked what they said.  The answer was God is Faithful.  Amazing. The painter of the words had no idea that God had been speaking to the students about his faithfulness…but the giver of words did.  No one could have set that up as perfectly as God.    The feathers have created a picture worth a thousand words.  There will not be a feather seen by these young people that will not remind them of God’s faithfulness.  All of this from a small little feather?  You bet.  God delights in showing himself through small meaningful things.  He confirms his word so that we can see it all around us.  Under his wings we find refuge.