The holiday...the 4th of July...it is a wonderful time of rest and reflection.  I was able to go see mom and dad since my family was away.  I had a restful and relaxed day visiting and enjoying Highlands.  It is such a beautiful place.  My day was interrupted when camp called to tell me that they thought Peter had broken his arm...again.  Of course, on the holiday there are no doctors available.  On Saturday they took him to Quick Care and found out it was NOT broken.  Hurray for that.  I was able to go see him and he didn't even slow down to speak for more than a minute.  He is in a sling and a splint but other than that is continuing his time at Strongrock.  It was good for me to lay my eyes on the injury and I feel confident that if he has any more problems with it they will call me. 
The rest of my family came home yesterday.  It was good to have them back here...even though the house is no longer clean.  They had a great trip but were glad to be back to real beds after sleeping on the floor in a church for a week.  They all slept in til after noon today!  I had a doctors appointment with the endrecnologist today...I am sure that is spelled wrong.  She manages my diabetes and other hormone issues.  She was very pleased that my A1 C was 5.3...which means my blood sugar levels are well under control.  All of my other numbers looked good as well.  So another good report to go with the oncologist report that I am all clear!  That is something to celebrate.  I also had an eye doctor appointment today...I feel like an old lady with all of my doctors!  Then I felt even older when he told me I have cataracts in BOTH eyes!  I couldn't believe it.  He thinks it may be chemo related.  Yuck.  He says it is a while before I will need the surgery...but once I have it I will not need contacts or glasses anymore.  I am thinking if they can drug me to get me through the idea of someone operating on my eyes I will come out with great vision.  I will have to go back to him in 6 months to see the progression and how fast I might need to handle this latest side affect of cancer.   Still, even with the bumps that continue to come along, I am so grateful to be living fully that I will happily endure these minor irritations for more days to celebrate life.

There is something about laughter…it is fun.  I’ve noticed in our society that we are all about entertainment.  You can tell by how much we pay entertainers, athletes and movie stars.  Yet for all of our entertainment we are more depressed and busy than ever before.  It is sometimes difficult to take the time to have fun.  I have a family and a job so all of that comes before a fun time for me.  All moms can relate to this.  I have fun with my family of course, but it is a rarity to have a fun night just for me.  As my children grow these times are coming around more often than when they were younger.  My point is that we should not forget to laugh.  I went to a Braves game last night with some of my friends…my prayer buddies.  Over the years of praying for our children together we have become close.  We are bonded by the uncommon love that goes with walking through our pains and joys together.  We have seen each other at our worst and it is okay. We have fun when we pray.  We visit and we vent.  It is a safe place for the four of us.  But even then, we are getting together to pray for our families…not just for fun. 

A few months ago Peter and I went to a silent auction to raise money for Relay for Life.  One of the items was Braves tickets and Peter bid on them thinking it would be a great game to go to with Bill for his birthday.  He won the bidding war and got four tickets and a parking pass to the July 1^st game.  It was a couple of weeks later that we all realized no one would be here for that game!  Needless to say he was disappointed.  I ended up with four tickets to the game and no one to take from my family.  I was thinking of giving them away but hated to do that.  I talked with a couple of different people about going and we had made tentative plans when God brought my prayer group to mind.  I kind of dismissed the idea because, quite honestly, it is hard to get four women that have 13 kids between them together for anything.  We all work and just to get together to pray for a couple of hours is sometimes difficult.  So I kind of let the idea pass by.  When I was talking to one of the girls she said she had NEVER been to a Braves game…so I invited her to go with me.  Then I decided to chance calling the other two.  Much to my surprise, all four of us could go!  (Funny how that works when God puts it together)

The night before was like Christmas Eve for children.  We were so excited and anticipating being together for a city adventure!  Yesterday all day was planned around leaving for fun at 4:30.  (It is kind of sad that we have to write in fun to start at a certain time on the calendar.) We got there and had a blast even though the Braves lost.  We yelled and chanted and tomahawk chopped until our arms were sore.  Due to a wrong turn we ended up getting a tour of downtown Atlanta in the process of coming home.  We giggled and laughed until there were tears in our eyes.  We were like kids.  In fact, some of our teenage kids were a little worried about us when they called to check in and we were laughing so hard we couldn’t talk.  (Now they know how we feel sitting at home waiting on them!)  What a great night and the weather could not have been better.  It was both exhausting and energizing at the same time.  We have decided we need this laughter and fun…monthly. We already have it marked on the calendar for August.  We don't know where we will be having it but it is written into the schedule. Somehow in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life we have got to make time for the laughter.  It is medicine to our souls…and it is FUN.

           

It is 50 degrees on my back porch this July the 1^st.  Glorious. This morning I am thinking that God is giving us a reprieve from the heat these last couple of days.  With the drought, gas prices and a looming election the world seems to be heating up.  Today God says to me, “Live in the moment.”  This day is all we have.  I know it sounds cliché but the truth sometimes really is that simple.  Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow will come.  Today…this moment is all we have.  This morning God is here in the moment on my porch…in the cool of the day.  It is a glorious morning put before us.

I have been feeling an unsettledness in my spirit for the last few months…like the winds of change are blowing.  This feeling I have is not a good one.  It is similar to one I had before 9/11.  I just cannot seem to shake it.  I am praying of course…but still this quiet morning assures me once again that God is in control.  He is not surprised by anything that is happening now or will happen, good or bad.  He can see eternity, and he placed me here on this day, at this time…on my back porch.  He is so awesome. I hope you will have the opportunity to enjoy this spectacular day!

Have you ever seen the little clown cars at the circus?  You know when they are all crammed in there and they have to steer this tiny little car around the arena?  Yesterday Hannah and I went shopping in Atlanta with her future roomate and her mom.  It was great fun and they really clicked.  That was such a relief for all four of us.  They have alot in common, both love missions, God, going to bed relatively early (10:30 or 11:00) and children.  Neither really know exactly what they want to do.  They will do well together.  Whew...a load off my mind. 
So when we were shopping we found a futon couch thing for their room.  As soon as we all saw it we loved it.  We decided that had to be a God thing for us to all agree so quickly.  I bought it right away along with some organizer stuff, posters and curtain rods.  Then the young men that helped us load up said it would not fit.  Hannah never wavered...yes it will, it HAS to.  There was a moment or two I didn't think it would either...but it was the perfect thing.  We had shopped around and we knew that it was perfect.  So if we had to tie it to the roof it was going home with us and once the guys helping us realized this they became much more helpful in getting it into the car.  We took it out of the box so we could pack all the parts.  It was still a tight squeeze.  It is times like this I miss my SUV.  We finally got it in but we had to move both front seats up all the way to do it.  Driving 1 inch from the steering wheel is quite an experience and I wouldn't recommend it!  Two hours home like that and I thought I would never straighten out again!  But, we got it home and now the excitement has kicked in.  Hannah is ready to go TODAY.  She doesn't want to have to wait any longer.  I, on the other hand, am enjoying every minute we have together.

Yesterday was also William's birthday.  Are you ready to feel very old...he is 15...another driver to train!  Just when I was settling into having two teen drivers now we have three.  He had a great birthday...got a new drumset that he has been wanting for 3 or 4 years.  We have put it off as long as possible, but I have to admit the set he has had since he was 9 was ready to be passed along to another beginner.  Always sceptical of new instruments, even I could hear the difference.  They sound so much better.  It is amazing to think he is still drumming even after all these years.  On his birthday I am always reminded of when he was 2 and got his first little toy set.  My aunt Betty played the keyboard and he kept perfect time no matter what tempo she played.  It was amazing to us then...so young.  And now he is still going strong...down to his toes I like to say.  He is finally growing in height and can now look me in the eye.  He is quite a young man with his very specific ways and gifts.  I am so interested in what he will become...if we survive his teen years! :)  How I love that boy! 

I love being a mom and watching my kids grow up.  It is such a challenging yet rewarding job.  Love it, love it, love it.  I am so grateful that God allowed me to hang around to do this!

In Sunday School this week we were continuing our study of Genesis.  We have made it to the story of Joseph.  There was a part of the discussion that caught my attention this week.  It was when Joseph’s brothers took his coat of many colors to his father with animal blood on it.  It says that Jacob tore his clothes and put on sackcloth.  He mourned for his son for many days.  His family tries to comfort him and he says, “No.  In mourning I will go down to the grave to my son.”  He wept.

You get the idea here that Jacob was upset.  Maybe more than would be expected…I don’t know.  I think if my son was killed I would mourn like this.  However, this scripture points out that he was basically inconsolable. That got me to thinking…

I was wondering if Jacob wasn’t grieving more than his son.  You see Joseph was a son of promise.  He was Jacob’s first son by Rachel.  He was favored by Jacob but also promised a destiny by God.  Jacob knew this, he planned for it.  When Joseph was apparently dead, Jacob not only mourned his son but also the promise.  We do not know for sure, but it is my bet that he mourned his failure to protect this promised one.   Yet, because we get the benefit of reading the end of the story, we know that Joseph does fulfill his destiny.  God still brings it to pass, though in a way different way than we would imagine. 

            There is such application for our lives today in this story.  Many of us have God-breathed dreams.  It could be a calling or a career or something God showed us about our children.  We watch the dream grow under our care.  We nurture and protect just as Jacob did Joseph.  It is in our desire to be faithful to the dream that sometimes causes us to elevate it too highly.  It becomes our obsession.  When it dies, we grieve like Jacob because we know the promise and we feel that somehow we failed God.  Our dream is gone…or so it seems. 

How many of us have wayward children that have gone astray.  We feel that our hearts have been ripped out when they go their own way.  Or you may have a call to missions or ministry that has never come to pass.  It is when the dream dies that we feel our talents are wasted or maybe we never heard God to begin with.  It goes back to that voice that says to us “You are not enough; there is more you could have done, more you SHOULD have done.  You have failed.”  But God…there is that phrase I love…but God says he has not finished his work.  He does not fail.  He always finishes what he starts.  He did it with Joseph in unexpected ways…ways that rooted out his pride and arrogance.  If he had stayed in his own home it is probable that Jacob would have continued to feed his pride, with good intentions of course, but not it a way that would bring about the purposes of God.  The humility that Joseph learned is the reason he became such a great leader.  He was softened to the point he could not only forgive his brothers but save them as well.  In our lives we need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is for us.  He guides us through both good and bad times for our benefit.  His plans WILL be fulfilled despite our failings…in fact he uses our failings to bring them about.  How cool is that?  He is an awesome God.

I was reminded today, by a friend, about a work that God did in my life many years ago.  I was in a holier than thou stage of life.  Actually, it was and is really a part of my personality.  I think that it is human nature to look at others and compare ourselves.  I think that we are desperate to feel accepted in some way or another so we hunt for their weaknesses.  Somehow it makes us feel better about ourselves to look down on people different than us. In my case it was a religious snobbery.  Because I was a “good girl,” I felt superior to those around me that were not.  I have always been a seeker of God to some degree, and he has been a life long friend and companion for me.  It was not especially hard to follow the rules because I had a relationship with him.  Not too deep, but a relationship just the same.  I didn’t desire the stuff that could have gotten me into big trouble as a teen.  That is what we all wish for our kids…that they will love God so much that they won’t want to hurt him.  For me however, I thought that because I survived adolescence without major problems I was special…different…better than everyone else. 

Through a series of events I became extremely judgmental of others, because of the fact that God spoke to me so clearly. (In case you can’t get the tone of my writing here…this is sarcasm :)  It came in the way of my marriage; because I thought if Bill could just be more organized, less impulsive…more like me…things would be so much easier.  I was praying one day in the car early in our marriage; pouring out my heart to God for my husband.  He clearly, strongly spoke to my prideful heart, “I am not making him in YOUR image.” Ouch!  I was humbled by that statement. 
          Another time, I had a dream, too long to go into here, which made it clear that I was not operating in the love of God for others.  Yet again another time, (Do you get the idea that I am rather hardheaded?) God spoke to me in the midst of a blow up between friends.  This time it was as if my eyes were opened to see the ugliness of my self-righteousness.  I was cut to the heart, convicted and it still brings tears to my eyes to think of it. This was a deep, deep work of facing my sin, and allowing God to show me his view of it.  After this season of repentance I was a changed woman.  I have since ceased trying to be the Holy Spirit to others. (Most of the time J) It is not my job to convict others of their faults and sins.  It is my job to love them with the abundant love God so freely pours on me.  It is his job to lead them to himself.  I am overjoyed that there are times he uses me to point the way to his loving arms. 

         Now, when he says to me “You are enough” I think of the transformation that HE did so many years ago and continues to do. Today, he graciously, reminded me through the comments of a friend who sees the new me.  I again was humbled by his amazing grace.  He defined grace in those times of repentance. Now, I try to extend it, just as I received it.  My works and efforts of that time were as filthy rags to him and he allowed me to see the putrid poison they became to others.  I know that is strong language but I think it is accurate.  Now I do not feel the need to point out faults and failings, I go to my knees as God leads me to lift others up rather than tear them down.  I try to encourage and lift up with my words.  I am not perfect and praise God he doesn’t expect me to be!  I slip back into my old ways from time to time and allow the negative to rise up…but he is faithful to reveal it to me and correct me and lead me gently back to his side because…I am enough.

There is a Chris Tomlin song called Enough that speaks directly to the idea that I am enough.  It was written as a song to the Lord but, when I heard it the other day the Lord said this is a song I am singing to you.  Listening to it in this way blew me away.  By the second verse I was singing back to him…amazing.

Enough

 

All of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love and all I have in you is more than enough.

You’re my supply, my breath of life still more awesome than I know,

You are my reward, worth living for and

All of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love and all I have in you is more than enough.

 

Verse 2 (Me singing back to him)

Your sacrifice the greatest price is still more awesome than I know

You’re the coming king, you are everything

It’s still more awesome than I know.

 

More than all I want

More than all that I need

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I want

More than all I can sing

You are more than enough for me.

All of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need.

You satisfy me with your love and all I have in you is more than enough.

 

It is a powerful thing to think of myself as his reward…yet he sacrificed it all…for me.  So doesn’t that make it true?  I am his reward?  And if that is true, doesn’t that make me valuable, so valuable in his eyes?  I mean I would have thought I am not worth that kind of sacrifice.  And many times I think we think of it as he sacrificed for the whole world.  That makes it so much less personal.  We have heard that “if you were the only person on earth he still would have died for you.”  That is true, but we skim over it quickly trying not to really think about what it means.  But I need to stop and think about it.  I am that valuable to him.  When I offer him my love, he is so thrilled because he desires it so.  It humbles me. 

When I de-value myself or when I feel I need to add something to make myself “enough” for him, it diminishes his love.  It basically says he doesn’t know what he is doing and that his sacrifice was worthless.  That brings pain to my heart to knowingly hurt him with my thoughts of myself.  In order to accept the truth…that I am enough…I have to embrace my value.  It isn’t easy because my mind fights it.  It tells me I have to be more loving, more beautiful, more organized…just more.  The world says all of this in our ears quietly and we have bought it.  The church whispers it now as well.  Yet he says, You are enough.  You are my reward.  I live for your love.  Can you say amazing?  That is root of his grace.

There is something quietly brewing in my head today.  I don’t know if I can even begin to get it onto the paper yet.  So many times it takes time to brew it…but if I don’t catch it at just the right time it disappears into the wind.  Frustrating.  I used to be able to remember my writing thoughts, like whispers in my mind.  Now they are more flighty and it not caught at just the right moment they take offense and fly.  This one has been developing since I wrote about the room of inadequacy.  It has been coming up in conversations, songs, and sermons.  I have heard it on the news, and in movies, so I think it is relevant.    God spoke it to me quietly in my time with him.  He said, “You are enough.”  Simple yet so profound.  We would probably all say we believe that statement; however we do not live it because deep inside, in our secret places, we don’t really believe it.  It is difficult to live something we do not believe.

I watch my children trying to be something they are not because of the world around them.  I see God fearing people at church trying so hard to please him, as if one more activity will make them better people.  God’s proclamation came to me in a time when I was striving to work hard to be better at work.  It just seemed to me that I am not enough.  I do not have the energy to be the employee that I was asked to be, let alone clean my house and raise my children.  At that time it felt like life was trying to pull me apart.  In the past I might not have recognized it, but post-cancer vision is different.  I no longer simply call these things “stress” and move on.  I want to dig deeper and get to the roots of my internal strivings because I do not think I can plant my feet otherwise.  The thought that I am enough could be the bedrock of strength to hold me firm when life is swirling around me.  Stress is a very real part of life in the 21^st century…but it is not the only part.

So how do I get the idea “I am enough” from my head to my heart?  How do I begin to live it?  That is one reason I haven’t been writing.  I am grappling with this amazing possibility that I am what God wants; that I am not in need of a complete makeover…at least not one that I undertake on my own.  If I can rest in this truth and be content in who God made me in this moment, I am sure he will be faithful to develop me further as life moves forward.  After all, he has done it to this point.  Nothing that I have strived to accomplish has been long standing transformation.  The areas of my life in which I have changed have come as a result of his hand, not mine.

There are so many areas of weakness I see in myself.  I cannot get past those because I feel less of a person; less than what I was created to be.  Don’t you?  Deep down.  That sense of inadequacy calls us to examine our failings.  Yet I am hearing God calling me to look at my strengths.  To look at the parts of my life, my calling, and my ministry that have been a blessing to him and to others.  That is hard.  Why is that so hard?  Why is it our brains do not want to admit that he has been at work and he has accomplished great things through us?  I guess it sounds prideful.  But more than that, I think it is uncomfortable to feel it…so we choose not to, closing our hearts off to his delight in us. If I open myself up to those feelings I feel so central to him, like I am important to his plan.  Even though I have said that I am for years and somewhere inside I know it, I fight the FEELING that goes with it.  I don’t know if any of this makes since to you…forgive my rambling.  I think it is like when you are recognized for some accomplishment in your life.  You go to receive the award all smiles, feeling good that somebody somewhere recognized your hard work but when you are standing there in the applause it is uncomfortable.  At least it is for me.  I feel so unworthy.  Yet here is the creator of the universe applauding who I am…saying that I am enough.  That is unsettling to me.  I guess that is where the works come in.  We try to make that uncomfortable feeling go away by “serving” and “doing more.”  That way we can feel like we earned this favor of his, and as long as we are moving forward and doing good we do not have to face his utter delight in us.  We hide from him with our actions.  Can I stand in his presence and let him applaud me?  Can I receive his unbelievable love without trying to prove myself to him?  I am not sure that is possible…more tomorrow.

Love, commitment, and self-sacrifice…these are words that have long been used to describe marriage.  They are accurate descriptors, and because they are, you can easily see in our culture how marriage would not be “in vogue.”  There is no glory in it.  A society that wants immediate gratification does not embrace the idea of a long-term relationship. The work of marriage is not often honored in our media saturated environment. 

Therefore, I am thrilled to honor two relationships that have stood the test of time.  Both my parents and Bill’s parents are celebrating their 50^th anniversaries.  Swimming against the tide of independence and separateness, they have learned companionship is mutually respectful.  They know that commitment goes hand in hand with flexibility.  Giving up their own desires at times in order to honor the wishes of the other, is something that comfortably ebbs and flows.  Their love has grown as comfortable as an old pair of jeans, they fit.  Together they have faced life.  Hand in hand they have cried and laughed, mourned and rejoiced.  Now they wear contentment on their faces as old friends and intimate sweethearts.  It is a precious thing to see an example of God’s unfolding love for us by watching them love each other.

Does this mean they have it all together and never fight or argue?  Not at all.  It means that they love each other despite their differences…choosing love over selfishness.  The choices they make honor the commitments they made to one another 50 years ago.  It takes Gods grace to accomplish such a feat, and in such vibrant relationships his glory shines through.  People want to know the secret of a successful marriage…God’s love displayed to another…laying down your life…dying to yourself.  Is that easy?  No way.  So today I bless and honor our parents for their dedication to each other.  Our marriage bond is stronger from having watched generations of family; on both sides navigate the waters of matrimony.  Thank you for your example.  Thank you for the love you share.  You are an inspiration. 

The turquoise you see in the pictures has not been touched up.  If anything the real thing is even more spectacular than the calendars show.  You could see it from 10,000 feet on our flight and it became more glorious the closer we got.  I have never been anywhere where the sky reflected the water…until now.  Usually it is the other way around.  Here the clouds have a turquoise tint to them.  They are huge and puffy white.  Then when a storm rolls in they shift to gray and baby blue with a shade of dark teal.  At sunset they are pink and blue like the cotton candy you get at the circus.  Shades of yellow and orange add fire and the show continues.  All kinds of colors show against the clouds throughout the day and if you didn’t know you were on the ground you would think you were looking at clouds from above, like from an airplane. 

The place we are staying sits back off the ocean on a small kind of bay or cove.  When the tide is out you can walk out ankle deep all the way across on sand the color of sugar.  If you go further out past the cove to the point, the wind whips up and the water gets choppy.  Swimming in a sea of paint you can look below you and all manner of life.  I cannot understand how a bucket of turquoise can be so clear!  We haven’t been snorkeling yet because of the shallow water where we are.  Today may be the day for that, we will see. 

There is a constant breeze through the giant palms.  Energy is high priced on the island, so there is no air-conditioning…at least we choose not to use it during the day.  The lights and fans are on timers so they will cut off and not waste precious electricity.  So far is has been cool enough during the day that it is fairly comfortable.  We are in and out of the pool and ocean so, as long as we are wet, the temperature is bearable in the 80’s.  At night however, we flip the switches in our rooms and cool things down for sleeping. 

Off the porches, on any of the three levels of the house the view is especially beautiful.  There are flowers like I have never seen before.  Pinks like Azaleas, and purples like Iris, and Reds like an Indian Paintbrush only with different faces, create a rainbow of color.  These are mixed with all shades of green as the tropical palms form a frame for the white sands and turquoise water.  How anyone can see such beauty and not believe in God is beyond me.  As an artist, his range and mixed media strokes around our planet are unparalleled.  He wrote this love letter of beauty to us to demonstrate his glory.  Wow does not begin to describe it.  A personal God that cares about the intimate details of our life is trying to get our attention with unimaginable and affectionate creation.  How can we turn our heads away?  How can we wallow in our tiny problems when he is saying, “Look up, I am here.  I am with you and I am for you!”  The amazing views can change your perspective if you let them.  He has it all covered and very much in control.  The details, down to the smallest fish are in his hands.  It is as if he created all of this to show us that his heart is for us, not against us.  We are enough…just as we are…to turn his eye towards us; to pour out his magnificent creation to bless us.  And He is enough for us.