Back to the analogy.   There are some that would try to hinder your freedom.  When your heart is open and vulnerable after a fire for example, you are reeling from the trauma of it all.  In life it is the same.  There is a season, after an awaking to your condition, which requires you to be careful who you will hang out with.  Again God does not require you to drop all of your friends and family.  He does not say “walk away,” but for your health and the sake of your freedom many times it is wise.  “But then I will be all alone,” you think.  Not so.  Then you will be with him in a way that will fill your soul, your longing will begin to be satisfied. 

We had a deal on a house.  It was a beautiful place with a fishing pond in the front yard, a place for the dogs, and cars and children.  It looked like the perfect place in the midst of our storm.  We had some reservations, but the people were nice and so we moved forward.  Unfortunately, when we went to sign the contract the facts and figures had changed. Caution is necessary during this season…though you need to avoid outright suspicion.  (Suspicion is pre-mature judgment of a person…it is not healthy because it leads to self-righteousness eventually.)  During these times of vulnerability it is easily said that you are self focused.  It is even necessary to some degree to be so.  However, you also have to be aware of your surroundings.  These people had their own issues and we determined that we did not need theirs on top of the ones we already have.  It was a huge disappointment to me particularly.  In fact, I lost it.  It hurt my heart because of the circumstances, yet I know that God used it in our lives and theirs.  He also provided another place for us.  All of that to say, when God is changing your direction in life he will lead and guide you all the way through.  I believe with all my heart that he leads your steps along the way and uses any setbacks for his glory. 

Sometimes it is others that hold you back from walking away from your sin.  They have an expectation that you will always and forever be the person you were.  To change in that kind of environment is next to impossible because they cannot help but see you as you have always been. Once your heart has been rescued and the fire put out it is damaged.  It takes a while to go through the rebuilding process, a lifetime really.  Sometimes that is difficult for others to understand, and it is then that the dependence on God comes in handy.  Taking a stand for your own freedom is exhilarating…and painful…all at the same time.  I guess what I am saying is to guard your heart, even in its damaged condition…especially then. God is working always.  Always.  When you cried out for rescue he came.  But he does not stop with rescue.  He wants total freedom for you.  He wants the old removed and the new built.  The setbacks that come are part of the process.  So is guarding your heart from those with whom it would not be safe.  A safe place is hard to find, but it is worth it when you do!  

Last night was our first sunset in our new place.  We have been going so hard we haven’t been home at sunset this week.  First let me say the view here is spectacular.  Sitting on the porch you can see almost 180 degrees of mountains.  To the left they start out low and gray with just a hint of blue in the distance.  As you move your eyes right they become closer and higher in shades of green.  There is a valley between this mountain and the next dotted with homes along the tops of the ridge.  One mountain directly in front of us is more pointed than the rest.  Next to it there is a small dip creating a curve in the view just big enough for the setting sun to slide behind.  As you move further to the right the ridgeline straightens out a bit then fade back to blue gray in the distance.  Up close we gaze out over the tops of trees, creating the illusion that we are actually sitting in a tree. 

Evidently we face directly to the west, because the sun climbs to the top of the sky to our left somewhere in the late afternoon.  It shines into our wall of windows and heats up the house, though since the first day it hasn’t made it unbearably hot.  Then it begins its decent into the waves of blue-green mountains, selecting just the right indention in the mountain tops to begin its show of colors.  A small orange ball, like a ping pong ball, it slips closer and closer to a collision with the mountains.  It stands out in the hazy blue sky but it is not spectacular…yet. 

Once the ball has disappeared just below the surface the colors begin to reflect in the sky.  Any clouds nearby are illuminated with oranges, and pinks. Textured ribbons of brilliant clouds stretch out across the wide open sky.   As the sky changes so do the mountains, starting with a blush of pink then deepening into a misty purple before they become charcoal. All of this takes place to a chorus of birds singing their evening songs just before the main concert of the katydids.  The “quiet” of nature is evident as the sun completes its show with the grand finale of deep purples and shades of pink.  Then darkness settles over the mountains for the night.  While I do not like being displaced from my home, this back porch will prove to be an inspirational writing spot I am sure.  God is so good to me.

I told my kids a day or two without the internet would do them good.  They are on it too much anyway.  Now I am the one sitting in the parking lot of West Family Resturant on the computer!  I guess I am as attached as they are.  What was supposed to be a couple of days without being connected has turned into a week.  We will not be hooked up until next Tuesday.  Therefore if you need to communicate with us you will have to call our cell phones.  We will drive down to the parking lot periodically to try to check on things but if you do not hear from me for a few days you will know why.  God is still doing work and we are getting settled into our new place.  It has an awesome view...we are on Mt. Yonah in a vacation rental.  It has plenty of space for all of us...I can't remember if I had told you about it before or not.  My memory issues are being maxed out at the moment with all of the stuff going on. 

We have a house.  We moved into it today!  It is on Mt. Yonah and we have a beautiful view off of the back porch, a pool table  and a hot tub...(100 degrees outside is not the time to use it however)  Anyway, we are thrilled to be able to settle a bit.  The new place doesn't have internet yet however, so I will be out of pocket for a couple of days until they get us connected.  Stay tuned for more nuggets later in the week...

            Ihit the wall yesterday.  Peoplehave been asking how I am holding up since the fire happened.  Until yesterday, I was holding thingstogether for the most part.  A fewtears here and there, but mostly just trying to move forward one step at a time.  Yesterday, moving day, I was excited tobe getting into a place we could settle. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my space is very important to me.  Even at school my office has to be justso…not neat, but arranged in a way that helps me be productive.  I like routine, and while I can gowithout it I go back to it whenever possible. 

When we went to sign our rentalcontract there were some things that were not what we had originally agreedupon.  Before we could sign weneeded approval from our insurance agent. Well for me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  The water works started right there inthe meeting with our landlords. Bless them.  They had noidea what was happening as I completely lost it right there in front of them.  I tried going in the bathroom, but Icould not stop the tears.  Now wehave had enough traumas in our lives for me to recognize grief when ithits.  I also know that to stuff itdown is very unhealthy.  I neededto get away so I just walked out with tears streaming down my face.  I got in Hannah’s car and drove away,embarrassing the heck out of my family and the landlords.  I went to my own house…my safeplace…and wailed for a long time. 

I think that it comes down towanting a place for my family to be able to be together and rest.  I see school starting up ahead and Ijust want to be settled.  It islike a mother hen and her nest.  Asmuch as I appreciate Bill’s mom and dad allowing us to share their home, whenschool starts we need to be closer to all our activities.  I still have to do the inventory on ourlosses, the first one I spent days making was done incorrectly.  There is just so much from so manydirections and once school begins I will be up to my neck in RTI again!  The idea that I will be opening theschool year while looking for a place to live, working on fire losses,rebuilding a house, and moving my first child to college is overwhelming to me. It gives me a sense ofdesperation.

Yesterday I had to grieve.  I had to purge the pain of loosing myhome as it was.  There are probablymore tears…they feel close to the surface now that I have let them flow.  The feeling that I am not doing allthat I need to be doing, or that I am doing things wrong, or that I will neverget it all done just makes me that much more sensitive to the stress around me.I feel as fragile as an eggshell. I know that all of this is my own expectationof myself.  But this is what I amtalking about when I say I like my space and routine.  It gives me a sense of order in the midst of chaos.  Imagine being plucked from your restfulsummer and thrown into a complete disaster of moving twice in one week.  It is a nightmare that is flowing assmoothly as can be expected in such a situation.  Yesterday was snag.

To finish the story, we did notmove.  We do not think theinsurance company will agree to the terms in the contract, but will not knowfor sure until Monday.  In themeantime, we spent the rest of the day trying to find a place to rent.  Octoberfest is right around the cornerso we have been unsuccessful so far. There is a possible house we are going to look at today.  Going from having a nice little placeback into the hunt was difficult for me because it felt like we are movingbackwards.  All of my prayerbuddies out there please pray that we find something soon that will meet theneeds of our family.  (Also please pardon any spacing issues on this blog, somehow on the computer I am using it messesup in the transfer from word document to blog text.)   

     We could use your prayers today.  It is adjustor day.  I think that means the guys that come tell us if something is a loss or it is reparable.  We have heard this can be a stressful time and many people say they had to argue with the adjustor to get some things counted as loss. (hmmmm....maybe another nugget...I have heard counted as loss before in the Bible) I am believing and praying that we will come to agreement easily so that we can move forward.  We do not want to take advantage of the insurance company and upgrade everything in our house...we just want it back the way it was.  We also sign the contract for our rental today, then move tomorrow.  Hopefully then things at the house will settle down and we can find some days to be kind of normal before school starts.  I hope so because next week I have a full calendar of eye doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, etc...  

I do not know why the spacing is off on my latest post...my computer is being fixed so I am using a different one.  I have tried to edit and fix but it will not show my changes for some reason so you will get a lesson on what it feels like to have reading problems!

I do not know why the spacing is off on my latest post...my computer is being fixed so I am using a different one.  I have tried to edit and fix but it will not show my changes for some reason so you will get a lesson on what it feels like to have reading problems!

Yesterday was a busy day once again.  This is starting to feel alot like work!  Get up at the crack of dawn and work until 5 or so. Then go to the Gunnins and try to work some more.  I never feel like it when we get back because I am so drained from being in the heat all day. The house feels and smells like an oven.  We drink a ton of water but still the sweat pours off and I am sticky and smelly when I get back.  I try to jump in the pool and swim a few laps in the evening with the boys.  It has been one of the refreshing things about all of this, to spend time in the pool with them. 

Anyway, we moved the computers and assorted printers out yesterday. For reference, in case you ever have a disaster in your home, think about your specialty items that will need more than just an outside cleaning.  Figure out where they would need to be taken and write down the number and name of that place.  You could also list each item that would have to go there.  This one little thing would help you a ton! We will be taking TV’s, DVD players, CD players, and Ipod docks today.  Tomorrow the musical electronics go out.  This is a hassle no doubt, but in the end we will know exactly what we have and everything will be fixed and running. Hurray!

One thing we had to do yesterday was to sign the application for the building permit.  I thought it was interesting that we have to give permission before the rebuilding can start. Another nugget.  In our lives when we want God to start re-building from our mess we have to give him permission.  He does not just come in and start the process on his own, we have to ask and then submit to his work.  We trust him to know what needs to be done.  He is the man with the plan.  Our lives are his expertise.  The first step of this rebuilding???  Demolition.  Yikes!  That sounds scary when you are talking about our hearts!  However, the Lord knows exactly how much of our foundation is damaged.  He also knows the point of impact and he is not afraid to go there and rip out the root problems. In the end we will receive a new and better life that does not stink.  It will be worth the pain,but in the meantime he has to rip and tear and demolish the problem areas.  He will not do that without our permission because it takes courage to survive that kind of godly destruction.  To stand there and watch our lives being apparently destroyed is tough.  The emotions that are involved in this kind of healing work are exhausting.  BUT this is why the bible says that in your weakness he will be strong, and his grace is sufficient.   Like any good builder he knows what the finished product will be.  He knows that the demo is necessary to have quality and safety in the future.  He is completely trustworthy with your soul. The question is do you know that? In our minds it is a risk to let him take a sledgehammer to our hearts.  It requires faith and trust in his goodness.  It requires knowing that he is for your freedom. It requires knowing him.