An update on Bill...he went to the doctor.  He got 4 prescriptions.  They also set him up for physical therapy and did some x-rays.  The goal seems to be to get the pain settled down by reducing the inflamation.  So far no MRI has been done.  They are waiting to see if any of this helps.  He has been on prednizone for 3 days and so far has had only minimal relief.  The pain meds are helping him sleep better but he still has difficulty finding a position that is comfortable.  Right now he is mainly sleeping on his back.  He goes back to the doctor in another week or so to report any results and to hear what the x-rays showed.  Hopefully if he is not better they will check the disks then with an MRI.  We are tired from lack of good rest...but he seems slightly better today...maybe...a little...or not.  It is hard to tell.  Keep praying.

I love the fall weather we are having!  It is crisp and chilly…my favorite season.  I know we will get more heat before it settles in but I am content to sit on my porch for the days that we have now.  I wanted to give an update on the house.  The sheetrock is up!!  Hurray.  Now we are waiting for the sanding to be finished.  After that the cleaning company will come another time to clean the walls that aren’t new before the paint goes up.  We are getting close.  We do not have any money for furniture yet but my inventories have been in for a while so that should be coming soon.  It is our hope to be in sometime in October.

Now for another prayer request…Bill is having some severe pain in his neck and arm.  He is miserable and has been for about 3 weeks or so.  He goes tomorrow to a doctor to see if it is a disk.  The chiropractor he has been going to thinks we need an MRI.  We will see what the MD says.  It is our prayer that this is something that can be handled without surgery…but if surgery is required it will have to be soon because of insurance and because he cannot live like this for much longer.  We appreciate your prayers in the matter.

The morning is cool.  It is dark except for silver clouds that hide the full moon.  As I watch the clouds roll away, the mountains come into view bathed in shimmering light.  The light of the moon is so bright it casts shadows.  It is a spectacular scene.  I am again amazed at how differently the same scene can appear. Each day it is different, yet the same.  Much like God…He is so varied that the view of him and his love has unending dimensions, yet he never changes.  It is one of the numerous dichotomies that make him who he is.  This morning I am taking communion in order to be with him.  I watch his handiwork while I sit still to hear his heart for the day. 

Drawn to the light of the moon…I think.  A big glowing rock in the sky…how crazy does that sound.  It does not have light of its own. It simply reflects.  The surface is unimpressive…nothing spectacular.  But when the sun hits it there is no stopping the luminous glow as it flows like a silver river.  I watch the effect of the light on my surroundings. When the clouds roll back, the complete darkness disappears…now there are outlines of objects…trees, mountains, and valleys.  The moon…the floating rock is illuminating everything around. 

Then as I watch, the sun makes its appearance behind me.  I do not see the sun, rather its effects. The sky is split.  The mountains blush, and the moon fades in the brilliance of the sun.  One moment.  Night becomes day in one moment.  Today’s lesson hits me in that same moment…I am the moon.  Unimpressive on my own…nothing spectacular really, yet when I reflect the Son my surroundings change.  The darkness dissipates.  He puts me in dark places in order to shine and reflect.  But just so I do not forget and think the light source is something for which I am responsible, he shows up.  As bright and brilliant as the moon is, when the Son arrives the moon pales.  The Son takes center stage.  All is made known and there are no longer shadows.  All bow.  I know that I am simply a rock, made beautiful by his transforming light.

My heart has been quiet these past few days.  I watched some specials about 9-11 on TV this past weekend.  I guess it has been long enough now that we can gently look back at that black day and talk about it.  The shows I saw had survivors and family members of victims.  They analyzed how events unfolded and the problems with emergency response.  I think I must have watched three different documentaries.  Each of them was well done and very respectful, even in their analysis of the failures they upheld the heroes.  The general conclusion was that no one could have ever expected such tragedy and that despite our losses many things went right on that day.  Hundreds of lives were saved amid the ones that were taken. 

What most amazed me were the survivor stories.  Hearing people describe the noises, sights and smells first hand brought tears to their eyes and mine.  They talked about praying to God that death would come quickly.  One lady said she was wondering how badly it would hurt to burn to death and how long it would take.  This was brutal, honest heart talk.  As several people spoke about inhaling the smoke and the burning sensation of eyes and throats, I could relate in a new way this year.  I took in one deep breath of toxic smoke in my house and thought I was drowning; the lack of oxygen was so great.  How in the world could these people be alive to tell the story of hours in smoke filled stairwells?  It was dark in our house as fire fighters used flashlights to find their way.  How could men climb 100 stories of a building empty of light but filled with smoke?  I have a new respect for those men.  I have a compassion for the survivors and grief of heart for the victims.  The families, all handling the tragedy in different ways, are scarred by what happened on that day. 

The television brought back the pain of that day in living color.  It will continue its reminder throughout this week I am sure.  I am drawn to it just as I was to Princess Diana’s funeral.  It is historically sad and misplaced.  My mind wonders as it tries to grasp the significance of such events.  It wants to categorize and put this into a box somewhere…only it won’t fit in a box.  There are no precedents.  Nothing so heinous could have been imagined.   And in the midst of the flashbacks I say do not forget.  Let the horror do its work in your hearts.  Life is uncertain.  You never know.  It could have been you.  Allow the true questions to rise up.  Where is God?  How could he let this happen?  Who is really in control?  What would have happened if it had been me?  Or my loved ones?  Then the biggest of all…God do you really care?  About us?  About me?  Then listen…quietly, silently listen for his answers.  Wait as you watch the planes.  Wait as you hear the commentary.  As the fear rises up, wait for his peace.  He says “I care more than you can ever imagine.  My desire is for you to cry out to me.  Even in the midst of the plans of evil men, I will uphold my beloved ones.” 

Priorities changed on that day.  Life and death became clear, everything else is just stuff.  Families matter, loved ones matter, friendships matter…work is just a vehicle to the things that matter.  When it becomes something else it is time to find something new.  Hold on tightly to your new priorities.  Do not forget how short life can be. The lesson of 9/11 is to say what needs to be said and don’t forget to Live Fully.  Don’t ever forget.

Last Sunday…I am a little late in writing…I had a wonderful experience. Some of you were probably there for the cardboard testimonies at church. If you weren’t it was amazing. For those that do not know, it is a way to share what God has done in your life, without saying a word. The idea is to write a “before” word or phrase on one side of your cardboard and an “after” on the other. For example, one side may say Crack Addict the other would say Addicted to Jesus. It is a simple phrase that sums up what God has done in your life. As the music plays, Our God is Mighty to Save, the procession begins. There are several people lined up and each one takes a turn standing for several seconds holding the before word to the audience. Then slowly, the sign is turned. The transformation of a life is illustrated in this simple motion. I was asked to participate by a dear friend. Bill and I decided to go as a couple. My sign said Cancer on one side and Resurrection Life on the other. Bill’s said Traumatic Brain Injury and the flip side said Healed by His Blood. We felt that there was power in our joint testimony. When we made our signs I thought it would be simple to walk up and turn it. What I did not expect was the emotion that accompanied this uncomplicated action. The flood of tears and the exaltation of victory rushed over me, side by side. It was overwhelming. I could feel the presence of God flowing as person after person testified…silently. What a way to share the love of God! We did this in both services and at Sunday in the Park in the evening. All three times it had the same effect on me; overwhelming gratitude. My friend Robin saw it in the first service. She too is a cancer survivor. Afterwards we hugged through tears. In the second service she joined me as a victor experiencing resurrection life. It was glorious to share the stage with so many people that have experienced God’s amazing grace. I was humbled, overwhelmed, and grateful to participate in such an event.

This weekend I had a wonderful surprise.  The family had arranged a birthday party for me at Bill’s moms.  The plan was a cookout swim party.  As far as I knew it was just my own family and Bill’s mom and dad.  We added a friend of Peters to the list.  At home, Bill had been on the phone all morning on and off, leaving the room each time.  I was beginning to get suspicious.  When we arrived at Skitts Mtn. our friends Pete and Heather came in with their baby Silas.  We hadn’t seen them in awhile and I was excited to see them.  In my mind, that accounted for the suspicious behavior to some degree.  We went on to eat and enjoy each others company.  I went to the sink to put away my dishes and when I turned back around Hannah was standing in the kitchen “Surprise!  Happy Birthday Mom.”  Needless to say my tears flowed out of happiness. It seems somehow she ended up in Cartersville and had to have some direction to get back on the right path home.  That is what all the phone calls were about.  I was just glad for the surprise...It was a great weekend with my girl.

       To my left, I see midnight blue mountains rolling in the distance. They blend with the lighter blue-gray sky.  In the foreground, the closer mountains are green with wisps of white clouds floating heavenward.  The mist between the mountains looks like smoke, only it lies in the lowlands allowing the tops of the mountains to peek through.  Straight in front of me the taller mountains have a commanding presence above the mist.  They tower over the smokey fingers of white that are grasping at the sky.  As the clouds roll across the valley below they thicken to a blanket that covers everything to my right.  Over my head the sun shines through the cotton, while over the mountains dark storm clouds are raining in the distance.  Some of the cotton is pink now, adding a delicate blush of color to the scene.  The fluffy white blanket is spreading now and soon there will be no mountains at all; only clouds.  More rain may be on the horizon, but for now the clouds are content to float lazily as if in slow motion. 

The rain has been a welcome friend these past couple of days.  Trees have been waving their arms in thanks.  The rivers are high and the streams are gurgling; singing with new enthusiasm.  All the earth is praising God.  I must join my voice and thank him for the rain.  

         I thought I was handling Hannah’s move so well, until Saturday. We went to Lowes to pick out light fixtures for the house. Seemed like an easy task…just go in and find the lights like the ones we have. Sounds like a breeze, only they don’t make those lights anymore and the more I looked the more frustrated I got. Fussing at Bill and Peter I should have seen the underlying problem was NOT the house. It took a whole day of stress building up before I finally melted down. Ah ha! There could be more to these tears than the stress of home building! You would think I would have been suspect before 7:00 p.m. but no, it took until then for the emotions to completely surface.
      It is the most out of the ordinary kind of grief I have faced. It hurts and there is loss, but also I am excited about Hannah’s growth. I have talked to her and she is doing wonderfully. She is making new friends and settling into a routine. Her first classes were today and she was relieved afterwards because the work load on the syllabus’ seemed manageable. After hearing how hard college work is for the past year, she had built it up in her mind to near impossible. The worry that she wouldn’t be able to handle it seems to have abated, and she is excited about learning new things.
       My emotions are vacillating between sadness at the changes this has brought, and excitement about Hannah’s future. It is like a roller coaster ride. Mostly I am fine, though I can feel tears close to the surface. The stress of the house, even though it is coming along, is not helping the situation. If I could go and sit in my own bedroom to deal with my feelings I think it wouldn’t be as hard. Soon I know that this will all be a memory and the adjustment will be made. The new relationship with my adult daughter will grow. The house will be finished and home will be home once again. I am looking forward to that stability, but embracing yet another chance to get closer to my Lord as I fumble my way along this new path. It is a good thing and a God thing!

On Wednesday I left a part of my heart in Rome.  It was move-in day at Berry, and we took Hannah bright and early. There were Berry Bellhops dressed in orange shirts that helped to unload the truck. Since we were there first they were eager and fresh, which was the reason we arrived so early.  One man came into the room carrying boxes…turns out he is the new president of Berry.  We were impressed.  

Her roommate, Abby is precious and requested that we pray for their room before we began the work.  You cannot tell me God doesn’t answer prayer.  As the six of us stood hand in hand I found it hard not to start the tears right then and there. The decorating soon took my mind away from the thoughts that were hanging nearby calling for my attention.  We spent the day fixing up her room.  It was quite an event and took most of the day.  When we were finished she was living in an adorable space transformed with bright colorful fabrics and black and white photos. We were all very pleased with the result.  If it hadn’t been for the upcoming parting, the welcome ceremony and reception would have been more enjoyable.  It was awesome to be in the brand new Cage Athletic Center that did not even exist when we were there.  All and all the whole day was exciting and exhausting.  After a dinner at Olive Garden, we drove her back to the dorm to say our goodbyes and I love yous.  I made it through without a total melt down…at least in front of her.  When she walked away to go into that big oak door my heart broke into pieces. 

Let me say that I am happy for her, no doubt about that.  It was time for this monumental step and she will do great.  But there is something about realizing that your life just moved into a completely new season that causes you a pause. You see, what she does not know is that things will never be the same.  Our family dynamics have changed.  She will return for breaks, but she is on her way to her own life.  I understand that because I have been through it.  She has not.  It is hard to watch your first baby walk away.  They say that it gets easier with each one, and that by the time you get to the fourth you are kicking them out.  I can’t imagine that to be true in this moment.  Back in the truck the tears came freely…kleen-x beside me…Bill holding my hand.  

Driving out of the gate I felt as though I was leaving part of myself behind.  The only comparison I have is the feeling I had after I miscarried our first child.  At that time I told Bill it was like part of my personality was missing. It is an emptiness that cannot be easily described.  The difference is that while that was an unnatural event, this is completely natural and even voluntary choice.  I will see Hannah again, in fact, I have already talked to her twice.  The pain of the separation simply shows me that we have a great relationship.  My heart would not hurt so badly if we didn’t.  My journey through cancer drew us closer and those months will be cherished even as the year progresses and she steps into this new phase. 

God is faithful.  He is trustworthy even with our children…that are really his.  I am in the process of releasing her fully into his care.  It is a gradual process and I am looking forward to the benefits that will unfold in our relationship as the seasons change.  Until then, my emotions are riding close to the surface and a big piece of my heart is missing.

I am sitting here after packing my girl up.  We have been working for the past couple of hours and it is a bittersweet process let me tell you.  Excitement mixed with exhaustion on my part...I did have to work today.  The exhaustion leads to tears not a flood yet, but they are right below the surface.  Tomorrow the truck will be loaded while I work, then I will break away to head north.  The boys are set to stay with Bill's mom and dad.  We will spend the night in a hotel, the same one as her roomate.  Then on Wednesday the dorm opens at 8 am.  We unload and attend the family welcome before saying goodbye sometime after dinner.  Then the long ride home with tears likely flowing the whole way.  I am ready for this...she is ready for this too.  I know that I will grieve along with the excitement.  I know there will be an empty hole that will be left...however, I am thanking God for facebook, cell phones and email.  It is easier now to keep in touch than ever before.  Please keep us all in your prayers as we make this transition.