I did some errands last week. Pre-Thanksgiving. I was not there to Christmas shop, I just needed a couple of items. A quick run in and out I thought. However, when I walked into the door of the store I was hit in the face with hundreds of Christmas items, crowded isles, and long lines. I instantly had a break-down. I had to stop and focus on my breathing. I nearly fled. Considered it and decided to walk past the chaos and do what I came to do. Yet, I was overwhelmed with sadness, confusion, frustration. Grief strikes at the most in opportune times, doesn’t it?

All the feelings came rolling in:

• Anger. Why are these people shopping? What is the need for all this commercialization? What is the point of any of it? It’s not about the stuff…it’s about the people and my people aren’t here.
• Sadness. I don’t even plan to decorate this year. It seems like too much work. I am tired. And gloomy.
• Overwhelm. All the lights, music, twinkles seemed to overtake my brain. Too much stimulation. Too much of everything. I felt my cognition slowing to the point of shut down.
• Hopelessness. Will I ever get back to caring about things I love…like decorating for Christmas? No interest at all.

It’s no secret I have had some hardship in my life. I have learned to separate myself from the heartache in order to remain functional. I don’t deny my pain, I compartmentalize it. Set it to the side so I can function, until I have time to sit with it and process. That doesn’t always work of course, but I have found trying to multitask my grief to be fairly effective over the years.

However, this time, with so much loss so close together, I am finding it more difficult. It seems every direction I turn, compounded grief is there waiting for me. Even in stores…especially in stores. Finding a tree. Unpacking decorations. Any holiday preparation is too much. Hardest of all is admitting to myself I don’t have the bandwidth to do any of it this year. I know that is okay…maybe even wise to set it all down and allow the feelings to surface and express themselves.

Today is the first week of Advent and I am empty. I don’t feel the anticipation, or the longing. I am simply waiting…which happens to be a big part of Advent. The Prophecy Candle is all about waiting for the future to happen. Seeking the Messiah and waiting for him to show up. Emanuel. God with us. Hope week. Looking forward to something that is not…yet.

I know he is coming. He will revive me. Breathe into me. Restart my life. But not now. Not yet. So, for now I hold space for myself. I allow my grieving little girl to sit and wait for hope to find me. He’s coming.