There have been some tears this week. At first, I didn’t recognize the source. So many things happening, some of them good, some of them painful. I chalked my lethargic state up to having a fabulous week last week at the Folk School. Always fun, but also always exhausting. I came home tired. Said goodbye to Hannah, which is always hard when we have been together for a week. My need for extra sleep seemed warranted. I took naps to try to get “caught up” but after a few days, I realized this was more than lack of sleep.

Grief was showing itself. At yoga, in what I call pretzel pose, I squeezed out tears in addition to stress. The heaviness stuck with me afterwards. I was trying to shake it off (cue Taylor Swift) but was unsuccessful. Then I received the sweetest card in the mail from a friend. “Thinking of you on this first Mother’s Day without your mom. May the emptiness in your heart be filled to overflowing with precious memories of her life.” The picture on the front of the card was wildflowers and ferns running over in jars marked faith, hope, and love. A perfect card for the perfect moment. More tears, but this time with an ah-ha moment.

You would think I could have put it together that my last few days of sorrow were pointing to Mother’s Day, but I didn’t. Until the moment I got that card, I was feeling off kilter for other reasons. Still having trouble finding my words, still trying to reconcile that both my parents are gone, still trying to manage family matters, still wading through waist deep water. Still just feeling “off”. Now, at least I can point to the cause.

I can SEE mom. Smiling. Reaching to wipe my tears and tuck my hair behind my ear. It is a clear image in my mind. One that shows her attention to detail, her empathy, and her love for me. She is whole in my picture. Her eyes are clear. She doesn’t use words because she doesn’t need any. She speaks volumes without them. Her presence is all that is needed. I only wish it was her physical presence rather than her spiritual one. I need a Mom hug. I need a conversation. I need her sitting in my kitchen. Yet, in the image in my mind, I get what I need rather than what I THINK I need. I get validation for my tears. I get support for my grief. Even my little-girl self gets encouragement and compassion.

On Mother’s Day, I have always tried to show my appreciation for her life, for her giving heart, for her constant support. This year, she has reversed the roles with a simple image, showing me how much she loves me. Healing my soul of the pain of her absence, by inserting her presence. God knew what I needed. He always does.