I had never seen Dad afraid of anything…until Mom got sick. I saw him set his chin with trembling lips. I saw him stand and smile with tearful eyes. I saw him shore himself up with heavy shoulders. Watching him anticipate each new loss was like watching him lose part of himself. Every time Mom had a missing memory, he deflated further, but then, each time, he gathered his strength and kept going.

Eventually, that meant showing up at events without her. His first grandchild’s wedding reception since Mom was sick, he stood alone in a crowd in the photos. No space for Mom beside him as they gathered together for the pictures. Plastering on a smile, he was dying on the inside. If you knew him, you could see it in his eyes. At the next wedding, he flew across the country without Mom. He held her photo in his hands to represent her. She was still here but not here. He braved the travel and the Seattle weather to be there for his granddaughter…the whole time, wishing Mom was beside him.  

It was one of the most courageous things I have ever witnessed. Moving forward was excruciatingly painful, every step forward was a step away from Mom. He so wanted to control things. To fix it. But to no avail. It could not be fixed, so instead he surrendered. Hands up. I give up. He let it be. He yielded. Resigned himself. Relinquished. Handed over. Gave back. For seven years, all of the steps before the surrender led up to the ultimate act of letting her go. And this was his greatest act of bravery. To give Mom back to God was the hardest thing Dad ever did.

Until, his own day came. Until, he realized he would not be leaving the hospital. Until, he had to surrender himself. The years of surrendering Mom piece by piece prepared him for giving himself up. The first few days, he fought to regain control. He gave it the Mike Hunter try. “What’s the hold up? Get me out of here!”

But as the complications stacked up, his white flag went up as well. He recognized the truth, probably before we did. He waited for us to figure it out, and then he let go. He yielded. Resigned himself. Relinquished. Handed himself over. Gave himself back. But this time, there was no fear in his eyes. Even in the unknown of dying, he was no longer afraid. He drew his peace from his faith and from watching Mom’s slow surrender. He knew when it’s your time, the best thing to do is to open your hands and put them up.  

Now we are the ones with trembling lips. Now we are the ones with smiles and tearful eyes. Now we are the ones standing tall with heavy shoulders. It is our turn to yield. To resign ourselves. To relinquish. Hands open. Giving them back. Letting them go. Using all the courage we have…to surrender.  

Dad’s service is Sunday December 22nd at Grace Calvary Church in Clarkesville Ga. Visitation is at 2:00. Service starts at 3:00.