I have sat in a shadowy classroom, cowered in corners, and pasted on a smile, as if a shooter drill is no big deal. I have dried tears and assured scared children that I would not allow a shooter to get past me to get to them. During my career, shooter drills were not my idea of a good time. I certainly don’t miss them in my retirement.

Every drill ignited my anger; that I had to explain how serious these drills are, while not scaring them to death; that they had to be subjected to the reality of violence instead of maintaining their innocence a bit longer; that anyone would be so disturbed to open fire on children.

I hear the stories of the educators becoming human shields. Catching bullets isn’t in the job description, and yet time after time they continue to stand between their students and danger.

The blood of our children and teachers flows in school hallways and classrooms. Children killing children. Is it any wonder that depression and anxiety are skyrocketing among students? Developmentally, their brains are not ready to handle such violence. They are not equipped with the language, the emotional regulation, or the life experience to process this world in healthy ways. Instead, they lash out or withdraw, they live in fear or anger or sadness. They cannot explain why they feel these things. Most cannot even name the feelings swirling around inside them.

Abandonment isn’t a term they are familiar with, yet we abandon them day after day into school, telling them it is safe. We pretend and smile. We try to convince ourselves it is true. But they know the truth. It is not safe and we are lying to them. We are lying to ourselves. We are putting them in harm’s way, because there is no such thing as safe in this world. We bow to the second amendment as if guns are gods. Kids watch our worship. We teach them god before family, but we don’t realize which god we are worshiping.

We send mixed messages and they receive them loud and clear. Cognitive dissonance isn’t something they know how to describe, but they know what it feels like. It feels like shooter drills during art class. It feels like having an adult who condemns violence until people start talking about gun regulations. It feels like education is important even though you have to hide in the corners to avoid being shot.

Is it any wonder the drop-out rate is up? The suicide attempts? The diagnosis of depression and anxiety in children? Add in puberty and hormones at middle school age and you get even more volatility. Confusion and drama reign supreme. Social media broadcasts these feelings and blows oxygen on the sparks until they are a raging fire.

The innocence of childhood has been stolen. The culmination of influences and shifts in our culture have left our children fending for themselves as best they can. The issue is that they are not equipped with fully developed brains. They are trying to handle adult problems with child brains.

Unfortunately, we are the ones who are guilty. We have taken to fighting each other rather than recognizing the need for peaceful assurance for our kids. They watch our behaviors and adopt them. They see our fear and mimic it. They feel our anxiety and assume it is normal. We lash out in anger at differing opinions and so do they. Then we wonder how a kid can pick up a gun and shoot his classmates. Our fully formed brains know that shooting people isn’t the answer, but children don’t have fully formed brains.

Rather than being introspective and transparent with our kids, we continue to point anywhere else for the problems. Meanwhile, no one is helping them learn to name or manage their internal feelings. We want to blame it on the changes in society, as if fixing things will make everything better. We live in a fantasy world where we think if we have the right government, whatever definition of government you subscribe to, will make things better. I hate to tell you, this has nothing to do with the government.

It has to do with hard hearts. Stony places that are unteachable. Prideful places. A lack of humility. A refusal to assume any responsibility for our current circumstances. We have a narcissistic tendency to blame everyone else for our own issues. A stubbornness to bow our knees.

I believe God weeps for our children. I believe he weeps for us. We have chosen the world’s way instead of his. He waits for us to listen to love. He waits, as we listen to every other voice but his.  

Apalachee is seeing love in action. They are weeping together. They are united in this horrible event that has changed the lives of so many. They will be grappling with grief for some time. They will have the hard conversations with their kids and healing will come. Eventually. But there will always be a scar for those who bore witness. Those who felt helpless and those who were heroic. Every year there will be a memorial…to celebrate those who lost their lives and those who bravely took action and those who survived the trauma. Apalachee will join a long, long list of schools who know what it is to face their worst fears in the simple act of going to school. Of course our thoughts and prayers are with them…but hopefully our actions are as well.

May the God of all comfort be with you as you grieve. May you feel the love of those around you. May the bond you now share bring you closer together as friends and as a community. May the trauma of these days become a scar that brings you compassionate hearts for others who carry scars. May you feel the support of others. May your voices be heard. May your tears be liquid prayers. May your broken hearts be healed by the love of God. Amen.