There is a difference between disappointment and devastation.  Disappointment is when you find out you have to have six more weeks of shots.  Devastation is when you find out your husband has inoperable brain cancer.  I am disappointed because my blood count is not climbing as fast as would like.  It went from 10.7 to 10.8 this week.  We are trying to get to 12.  I keep thinking that it will jump up there one week and I will be done.  So far God has not allowed that, and while it isn’t that big of a deal it is still a pain to drive to Gainesville every week.  It is sad how quickly I have gotten back into the pressured life and the frustration of being inconvenienced. 

Then my friend’s husband was diagnosed with brain cancer that cannot be removed.  They have given him at most, a year.  That put on my grumbling brakes very quickly.  I am mad about my blood and I have forgotten my most important lesson already…slower paced compassion.  The kind of compassion you really feel…not just the ‘bless their hearts’ kind that sends a card and quickly moves along again.  Don’t get me wrong, cards are incredible encouragements and the phone calls and e-mails done on the run are a wonderful gift.  All of these show thoughtfulness.  It is just that somehow my post-cancer card sending feels different.  My words are more thought out…there is more compassion behind them.  I ache with the recipients in a new way that I hadn’t before.  I guess it is the difference between sympathy and empathy.  It hurts my heart to watch.  Could it be the pain is why I make myself so busy…so I don’t have to feel what others feel?  Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t but I am going to try to move more slowly now, even if it is a battle.

Why is it that some families have so much more heart ache than others?  I just found out that the husband of a friend of mine has a brain tumor.  This particular woman has been such an inspiration to me during my illness because she is a cancer survivor.  She walked me through her own experiences to reassure me that I could do it.  She is proof that cancer does not always win.  She sent me cards regularly when I could not be at work.  Her questions were always right on target when she asked about my progress.  When I was in the office working, she always offered a smile of encouragement.  Now she is facing the unknown again. 

Her husband, just a few months from retirement, is having painful headaches.  Tests have come back with bad news.  Although the biopsy is still in the works and the results have not come back, I am sure the waiting and worry are all too familiar.  The shock from this kind of news is like a physical blow.  Your body goes into survival mode at the same time your mind goes numb.  One foot in front of the other is all that you can do…one minute, one test result at a time.  I do not understand why one family has to endure two such major issues.  Sometimes the rain never seems to stop.  One thing I do know about my friend is that she will be leaning on the arms of Jesus.  It is what got her through her own illness and it is what will get her through now.  I know that in some way God will get the glory out of this.  There will be a new depth of faith and bonding of relationships.  I wish for her sake that there were an easier way.  I believe that God still heals and wants to heal.  My prayer for her is that the Lord would do a miraculous healing in her husbands head.  That is the most glorious prayer I can think of at this shocking moment. 

I am feeling much much better today.  I think the antibiotic has kicked in.  The good part of that is the pain has stopped, the down side is that this particular medicine is hard on my stomach.  Only a few more days of it though.  I am getting to work out pretty regularly this week.  That is helping already.  They say it will help me produce more red blood cells...I say yeah to that.  I go for my shot on Thursday...maybe the last.  My hope is that the exercise will give the medicine and my blood a boost.  Only the blood test will tell...

I have had a small set back...another urinary tract infection.  I have to say that now that I have tasted health again I am not very patient with feeling bad.  I am on medicine and I go to see the doctor on Thursday to see what she has to say about the high number since my surgery.  I am hoping that my bladder hasn't dropped to the point I need more surgery to correct it.  So far she seems to think medicine and physical therapy...exercises...will help it.  We will see.  I am feeling much better today now that the antibiotics are in my system.  It came on fast and furious last night at about 7:00.  By 9:30 I was doubled over with spasims.  I called the doctor and got her out of bed at 10:00 to call me in some medicine to an all night pharmacy in Gainesville.  At 11:00 we were in Gainesville picking up medicine.  The up side is that at least we didn't have to go to the ER.  The down side is that today I am exhausted.  I did try to squeeze in a work out at curves this evening between soccer and guitar lessons.  It still feels good to work out.  I have lost about 4 more pounds in the past couple of weeks!!!  Yeah.  That exercise thing really helps!

This blog is for my friends (there are several of you) that are going through difficult trials and suffering at this very moment…you know who you are. J I do not know if you have ever read the book, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard but if you have not you really must get it…especially if you are suffering. It is based on the scripture Habakkuk 3:19 “The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me walk upon high places.”

 I am reading it again.  It is one of my favorite books to read when I am experiencing suffering and sorrow, so every time I go through difficult times I read it again.  It is a comfort because it shows the spiritual journey Jesus takes us on and why sorrow and suffering are “allowed” on the journey.

            In the preface of the book it says, “The Song of Songs expresses the desire implanted in every human heart, to be reunited with God himself, and to know perfect and unbroken union with him.  He has made us for himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in him.  But the high places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of ourselves to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified.  The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God; by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things that happen to us.  Every  acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on Earth.  The lessons of accepting and triumphing over evil, of becoming acquainted with grief, and pain and ultimately of finding them transformed into something incomparably precious; of learning through constant glad surrender to know the Lord of Love himself in a new way and to experience unbroken union with him…these are the lessons of the allegory in this book.” 

I must say that I could not have written it better myself.  I know it sounds like a commercial for the book and I guess maybe it is, but it is also the truth as I know it.  Laying down the control of our lives through cancer or any other traumatic experience leads to our growth in him.  We become more united in Jesus’ sufferings and therefore more like him.  It is hard thing to do but it is worth it for the depth of relationship we gain with him.  The yearning we have to love and to be loved fully in return is a common thread throughout humanity.  If we can simply trust him that all he allows is for our transformation, the love we desire can be ours…if only we can surrender our control.  He glories in our every attempt, because he knows are hearts are afraid.  It takes faith, which is really just trusting in his love of us, to surrender the fear to him.  It is a journey…a daily journey to the high places of his love. 

We have taken Hannah to Berry for the weekend.  They are having a Discover Berry event for high school juniors and seniors.  She wanted to come...though she said she could probably lead the tour. 

I got word today that my red count is up to 10.7.  That is not too far from the goal of 12.  I am still a little achey from my shot yesterday but feeling okay.  I have been extremely busy and I am trying to balance myself back out as I take on life again.  It is a struggle to do all I do and not forget the new priorities and outlook.  More on that later...

Tomorrow I will be getting what I hope will be one of my last shots.  I have at least one more next week, but then they will check my counts and hopefully I won't need anymore.  I am feeling good.  I have more energy than I have had in a long time.  I guess the changes in coming back up will be gradual just like they were in the going down.  I keep thinking that I couldn't feel much better but then I do.  My hair is coming back...I have a fairly good white fuzz...yes I said white.  My eyelashes are coming back in and so are my eyebrows.  I am on the way.  I have been back at Curves this past week...that feels good too.  I have an appointment with my surgeon in a couple of weeks.  I have been transfered back to her.  I will be interested in what she has to say.  She will monitor me once a month for  awhile.  I also have an appointment with a nutritionist to work on my diet.  I have moved to a new phase.  I am in recovery...and expecting my health to continue to improve. This place is much easier than where I have been but not so far that I have forgotten.  The other side is a good place to be.