There is a difference between disappointment and devastation.  Disappointment is when you find out you have to have six more weeks of shots.  Devastation is when you find out your husband has inoperable brain cancer.  I am disappointed because my blood count is not climbing as fast as would like.  It went from 10.7 to 10.8 this week.  We are trying to get to 12.  I keep thinking that it will jump up there one week and I will be done.  So far God has not allowed that, and while it isn’t that big of a deal it is still a pain to drive to
Gainesville every week.  It is sad how quickly I have gotten back into the pressured life and the frustration of being inconvenienced. 

Then my friend’s husband was diagnosed with brain cancer that cannot be removed.  They have given him at most, a year.  That put on my grumbling brakes very quickly.  I am mad about my blood and I have forgotten my most important lesson already…slower paced compassion.  The kind of compassion you really feel…not just the ‘bless their hearts’ kind that sends a card and quickly moves along again.  Don’t get me wrong, cards are incredible encouragements and the phone calls and e-mails done on the run are a wonderful gift.  All of these show thoughtfulness.  It is just that somehow my post-cancer card sending feels different.  My words are more thought out…there is more compassion behind them.  I ache with the recipients in a new way that I hadn’t before.  I guess it is the difference between sympathy and empathy.  It hurts my heart to watch.  Could it be the pain is why I make myself so busy…so I don’t have to feel what others feel?  Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t but I am going to try to move more slowly now, even if it is a battle.