Life is complicated. The ebb and flow of day-to-day living and all the details can become overwhelming even if you are healthy.  Cancer makes it even more complicated.  Blood counts, medications, doctors in mass are all trying to coordinate your body to accomplish a worthy goal…life.  The problem is that sometimes the body does not cooperate.  Mine seems to be particularly prone to doing its own thing.  The delay in my treatment was a blow to me emotionally.  I compare it to getting psyched up about a big game or some momentous event and then having the rug pulled out from under you.  It is a let down.  Chemo is no fun.  I don’t like it but it is reality for me right now so I get my head into it.  I start set my face as flint for this battle and put on determination to face the foe in full armor.  When I am ready to go and they say no it is very frustrating and the light at the end of this long tunnel seems further away.  I know the problem.  I got ahead of myself.  I began to plan life four weeks from now.  Cancer doesn’t allow that luxury.  It is a one day at a time disease.

It is okay now because God is a one day at a time God.  He is in the now…a lesson he has been teaching me lately.  I forget.  I jump ahead.  I like order and schedule.  God made me that way I suppose, but now he is teaching me another lesson.  I have only one day and that is today.  I am not guaranteed another.  You are not either.  So how do I live this one?  Fretting, saddened, upset?  Or do I move on and live fully this day that I have?  I have to be reminded.  This part of God is hard for me.  Living totally dependent on him EVERY day is not the great American way.  However, this is the season I am in now, learning to be completely dependent on him even in the setbacks…knowing he has a purpose and a plan for all of this.  He will use it for his glory even when I am not feeling glorious.  Thanks to all of those that reminded me of this truth as I wrestled with my cancer-complicated life.