I had a dream…really more of a nightmare.  It sounds silly now but it was scary at the time.  A man standing at the foot of my bed, then after I pushed him out of the house he was trying to get back in the house…the silly part is that he was trying to sell cookie dough as a fundraiser.  (I guess I have been a teacher too long!)  Anyway, the overall theme of the dream was that I was screaming for help and never got any.  Knowing this man was trying to get to me and not being able to stop him was terrifying.  Another similar dream followed the first. 

I guess I am feeling a little more out of control than I realize.  I was thinking that lately I have been on an upswing, feeling pretty good about how things are going.  My physical side effects are manageable and my bigger issues of incision and infection are better.  The dreams made me realize that cancer can steal your peace of mind.  Even when all is progressing along somewhere in the back of my mind I still have some fears buried.

 I guess we all do.  I do not think we can really ever be totally fear free when it comes to life and death issues.  I can be at peace knowing God is in control while still having very human feelings of fear.  I think Jesus proved that in the garden.  Facing the fears is hard.  It would be much easier to pretend I am so full of faith that I have no fear…but that would be a lie.  Life is not guaranteed, it’s that simple.  If I focus on that fact, fear will rule.  I choose instead to focus on other guarantees…

God is good all the time.

He loves me deeply.

He has plans for my future…not to harm me.

He wants what is best for me.

He is in control…not me…or the cookie salesman!

While the dream was scary it was only a dream.  I woke up shaken but not defeated.  Today I have felt fine and am not conscious of any fearful feelings…I am doing well.  Mentally and emotionally I feel strong right now.  I think the key is to focus on the things I know to be true and to put away anything that tries to steal that peace from me.