This weekend I have been in conflict with myself.  Sounds crazy I know, but there is part of me that is full of faith about this next phase of my journey.  I am expecting to get better and not to have too many bad effects.  I am glad to move forward, one step closer to normal; one step closer to being finished with all of this, like the light at the end of the tunnel.

The other part of me, the little frightened girl, is scared to death. Chemotherapy is serious business. My nightmare with the IV team last week brought to the surface my medical fears. It was a reminder of all the things I hate and how wrong simple things can go for me. It also reminded me that I have no choices in the matter.  These painful things will be done no matter if I like it or not.  Somehow my scared little girl doesn’t think that is right!  I also have been thinking how sometimes it is the other way around…sometimes as a woman I am scared and the faith of my little child rises up, fearless.  Either way there is hope and faith built into me by my creator.  It comes when I need it most because I have trusted him to pour into me what I need.  He is so faithful to do that. 

God made us so multi-dimensional…very much like himself…in his image.   When Jesus was in the garden he was afraid as he begged the Father to let this cup pass and yet he found the courage to go forward when God’s answer didn’t match what he himself had asked for.  It is a comfort to know that he has faced the fearful unknown before me.  He found strength because he is strength.  He will be my strength and courage as well so that my inner conflict can be resolved and peace can follow.  He will still my head/heart battle and allow me to rest in the presence of this enemy called cancer.  I will overcome by his grace…the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.