Have you ever felt like a pin cushion?  Yesterday I had to have minor surgery to get a port for my chemo. It was supposed to take 45 minutes or so.  Did I mention I hate having surgery?  For me the IV is one of the worst parts of the whole surgical experience because my veins are bad.  Therefore needles in general and IV needles more specifically, scare me to death.  They have since I was a kid, just ask my mom.  As I have ‘matured’ I have learned not to run from the building screaming like I did when I was younger.  I have mastered the art of looking like I am in total control.  I can talk and laugh through the drawing of blood, as long as I don’t look at the needle.  I can grit my teeth for the stick part and sometimes through the digging if it doesn’t take more than a few seconds.  When my veins blow, roll, or collapse I just laugh and say I am used to it.  I am a great actress. 

But IV needles are different.  They are big.  They hurt longer. I am more afraid of them.  It feels like five minutes each time they slide the needle under the skin.  They try to plunge it into the vein, only the vein moves away. This is easily fixed by moving the needle under the skin to try to catch the offending vein, kind of like hide and seek. Once caught and punctured, the blood goes everywhere but in the waiting tube…but only for a minute until the vein collapses.  Each time the needle goes in I get a hole…usually a pretty big hole because of all the maneuvering to catch the tiny, sneaky, wiggly snake in my arm. 

Once all the arm veins have been tried they move on to the hands.  These veins are even more difficult than the ones in the arm.  They are between knuckles which prove to be a tricky place to stick an IV needle.  At this point the needle goes down a size from a 20 to a 22 to try to make it easier.  It doesn’t. Maybe a 24?  Nope, still nothing.

You haven’t lived until you have been stuck in the wrist with an IV needle.  The logic is that if you can see my veins maybe it will be easier to puncture them.  They appear so much bigger than the previous little hairs in my hands, but to no avail. And maybe if they shoot some Novocain in there first it won’t hurt so badly. No one says that it actually causes the veins to draw up and get smaller.  A few bee stings of Novocain and my veins still won’t give in to the needles that are tormenting them over and over again. 

The needle size drops again to a 26.  I am told that this is what they use on babies.  By now my tears show clearly that I am one. With all the veins in my upper body exhausted my foot becomes the next target.  Did you know there isn’t much tissue between the bones in your feet so your veins are easier to see and don’t have much moving room?  Determined to find its mark, the needle takes a dive into my foot.  I am holding back a loud scream as tears make a puddle on Bill’s shirt.  He says it’s okay to scream…so I do, over and over again.  The needle is finally in. The anesthesiologist, the charge nurse, the 3 lab technicians and my surgery nurse cheer. The nurses at the nurses station in the hall breathe a sigh of relief that they won’t also be called into the room to add another hole to the ten I already have. There is celebration that the 1hour and 45 minute ordeal is over so that they can begin my 45 minute surgery which goes as smooth as silk. They say my fears of needles are irrational.  I disagree.

 

Yesterday was teeth cleaning and of course they found 3 cavities.  The worked me in today for 2 of them so I could get them filled before chemo.  They couldn't get my teeth numb so I had numerous shots trying to make it work.  Finally I am through but my teeth hurt and my gums are sore. 

Tomorrow I have my port put in.  It will be outpatient but I am not looking forward to being put to sleep again.  Pray for my courage as I face this medical phobia I have once again. 

Then on Thursday I go meet with my Chemo doctor and he will give the the clearance for next week.  That all depends on if my incision is healed enough.  If it is small enough he may stitch it up.  Three days of needles and poking....not my idea of a good time!

Birthdays are a celebration of life.  Family and friends gather, send cards, and make phone calls to honor the birth of a loved one. There is cake and there are gifts.  This year for my birthday I had all of these things.  It was a much needed celebration made special by those close to me.  I am a blessed woman.  God has given me gifts in the form of these people that love me and he shows me his love for me through them.  It is wonderful the way God expresses himself to me.  When a nightmare becomes reality it is important to look for God’s hand around you.  As I do, I find that his hand is in the smallest details of my days; old friendships are renewed, families have grown stronger, close friends have helped carry the burden.

 On this birthday I am also grateful for the unexpected gifts he has given me while on my difficult journey.  I have made new friends through the shared pain of disease.  There is an instant bond with others that have walked a similar road…and they are numerous.  I have found the suffering of others many times is hidden away in the deep places of their hearts.  My trauma draws out their pain in the form of compassion and tenderness.  It is beautiful to have a stranger tell his or her story as they commit to pray for me.  I know it is an act born of experience and shared to bring comfort.  In the telling and hearing of the story there is healing for both the teller and the hearer.  Understanding passes between them as the story is told.  With each story, fears surface and are put in perspective by the hope and more importantly faith.  Both of us are strengthened as I walk out my path and somehow give purpose to those that have walked it before me.  I know that someday in the future I will be the storyteller encouraging someone else to hang on and look up.  That is truly a gift worth getting.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me...

Happy birthday, happy birthday

Happy birthday to me.   

My freezer is full today thanks to some of my dear friends.  So is my life...thanks to the same dear friends.  It is funny how comparisons go through my mind.  When my freezer is close to empty, there are great people there to come and help me, so it is with my life. 

 My life is in need right now of healthy things...Healthy things that I cannot always provide for myself.  Those healthy things provide nurishment for me and thereby provide nurishment for my family.  I am in need and God meets the need through my friends.  Now I can rest and know that He has provided what my family needs, even though I cannot. He has filled my life with nourishment to use at will when needed.  Funny how a full freezer can mean so much more than a full freezer... 

Today I have felt more normal than I have in a while.  We went to the store and my incision is feeling better.  The nurse came and changed the dressing and there was no pain!!!  She even commented that it is probably better that we got rid of the wound-vac because my anxiety level has dropped enormously...ya think???  The reaction from the tape is better and I napped today on my SIDE not my back!  It is my hope that this continues until chemo starts.  I have some dear friends coming to cook with me tomorrow to put up food in the freezer.  That will allow the kids to cook more and depending on my reaction to chemo it will keep me from having to do alot of cooking.  We will be filling my freezer...yeah!  Normal is a really great feeling.

I am constantly amazed at the faithfulness of God.  In this journey he has already shown his faithfulness more times than I can count.  I was reading through some of my old writings today and I came across one that talks about God's faithfulness to us...it is utterly consistant no matter what.  I originally wrote this in response to 9/11 but as I read it today I see how it applies to my current journey.  It is called 16 a Minute.

There’s just something about watching children play in the ocean.  That sense of awe and wonder all while having the time of their lives.  They are curious about what’s under the water.  They are thrilled riding on the water.  They love to dig in the sand.  It is amazing to watch them with their laughter and sense of discovery.  It’s like an adventure.  And in all that they do they seem unaware that the waves keep beating on the shore…consistently, faithfully with a steady rhythm.

 Did you know that if you time the waves there are sixteen a minute?  During storms waves are big but there are still sixteen a minute.  When it is calm there are sixteen a minute.  I have timed them as I write this and there are sixteen a minute.  That is an amazing testimony of God’s faithfulness.  It is unbelievable and yet inspiring.  I think that is why the sound of the waves is so appealing to so many people.  We are drawn to the fact that it will always be there.  You can count on the sound of the waves…no matter what.

We are like the children.  We are going through life and it’s an adventure.  We play in God’s faithfulness and never really give it a thought.  It is a given, it is expected and deep down we know it will always be there.  Sometimes we build a great sandcastle or ride a great wave and we forget that it’s not about us.  Then the unthinkable happens in our lives.  Something we can’t possibly understand and we clamor looking for hope and explanations.  Sandcastles and riding waves are no longer our focus.  Suddenly we are looking for something stable and reassuring.  If we could just remember that all creation testifies…there were sixteen waves a minute the day the unthinkable happened.  There are sixteen waves a minute now.  There will be sixteen waves a minute tomorrow.  Sound familiar?  I am the same yesterday, today and forever.  I am the great I am.

 

Today when the nurse came there was alot of pain yet again.  She said she cannot see any reason it should be so painful for me.  She has covered everything with the vasoline gauze and it appears that the tissue is growing through it and sticking badly.  There is one main spot that has been the problem all along and it continues to be the hard place.  She said she didn't want to hurt me any more and went back to a wet to dry packing...regular gauze, with no suction.  She wanted me to call the doctor and see what she wants to do.  I did and they said to keep doing the wet to dry packing everyday until I see the doctor next Thursday and if it is small enough they can possibly put in some stitches.  That would be the quickest way now that the tissue is healing so quickly. 

The concern is that if it isn't healed enough my chemo could be delayed again.  Also the open wound just plain hurts...it is uncomfortable and I don't like waiting for it to get better.  It really is healing fast according to everyone but to me it seems so slow.  Tonight at church I was reminded that God's timing is perfect and that I have no idea why he is allowing this apparent delay but he knows and his plan is perfect timing every time.  So I choose to wait on him...

I have had several people ask me how I found out I had cancer etc...  I wrote this to all my coworkers at the beginning of the school year so those that talk to me regularly wouldn't have to keep answering the same questions over and over.  Lately there are those that haven't heard the whole story so I am repeating it here.  It is long, and somewhat graphic but it is important to show how vital your yearly checkups are.

      To become a spokesperson by having cancer thrust upon you is a sobering thing. I guess no one that has ever experienced it got to do it gradually.  It is the fact that I care for all of you that makes me take this new role so seriously. The fact is that this could be you.  I know that is a scary thought and you probably don’t want to look at it directly, but it is the truth. And life is too short to avoid the truth.  I will be the inner voice that reminds you to schedule check ups and not to ignore those differences in your body as you grow older, so get used to it!  I have had numerous people ask me how we found this cancer, so here is the story…

As many of you know, last February I went to the emergency room one night with abdominal pain.  They did blood work and x-rays looking for some source, gall bladder, or appendix but found nothing.  For a couple of months they did follow up tests trying to determine what the problem was.  I had a CT scan with contrast, I had a decidascan, and tons of blood work, to no avail.  The final conclusion was that I must have had a cyst burst on my ovary. 

While they did every test imaginable on my abdomen they didn’t do much in the pelvic area so I decided to schedule an appointment with Doctor Simone to establish myself as her patient.  I had used my family doctor for my yearly check-ups since my children were born.  I knew I would need a gyno as I got older and started through menopause so my appointment was set for June. 

While I was waiting to get in to see her I had a few periods that were a little different.  (Pardon me boys…please read for your wives sake)  I was clotting some but the clots began getting bigger. On months that I had clotting my cramps were harder but it wasn’t every month .They ask you how big, dime size or quarter size…I jokingly said mine were grapefruit size…that was an exaggeration but I knew they were bigger than a quarter!  That was the first red flag…but I had an appointment so I waited until June.  Besides I know a lot of women that have clotting that are close to my age.  I thought that was a normal part of peri-mentapause…wrong.

  I also had heavier bleeding.  My periods were getting longer.  Some months were 5 days but some were much longer, more like 8 to 10.  I would have a few light days then a flood where I would bleed hard then taper off.  It was different but not every month. 

Then something that was very unusual happened to me while I was in England.  I started to bleed between periods.  I would just wake up and bleed for the day.  No cramps or other signs of a period just bleeding.  I thought I started my period 3 different times in England because I would bleed for a day, then stop for a few, then bleed again.  That was the first thing I considered “weird” because the other things were things that happened on and off.  When I got home from England we went to the beach for a week before my appointment.

When I went for my Tuesday appointment, it was a new patient work up.  I had to fill out all kinds of paperwork describing my “problems”…only I didn’t think I had any…until I answered the questions.  As I answered it became more obvious to me that some of the things I had been experiencing weren’t exactly normal even though it hadn’t even been a year since my last pap smear.  I talked over the answers with Dr. Simone and she decided to do an ultrasound along with the regular new patient stuff.  She found three polyps and a cyst on one of my ovaries.  My other ovary was in a weird position but other than that looked normal. These are not signs of cancer but they are signs to pay attention.  She said she could take out the polyps and ablate my uterus (burn it to help lighten bleeding) the next day!  That was too fast for me but we set it up for the next week.  The speed was due to her vacation time…being a teacher I didn’t want to wait until she got back in August so I took the earlier appointment.  Thank God!  In the meantime she wanted to do a Glucose tolerance test, which we did.  The following Wednesday the 5^th she went in to get the polyps…only instead of the three she expected she found tons.  Big red flag!  She told us but didn’t say her suspicions because she wanted to see the pathology report.  In the meantime, my pap smear came back bad and she chased down the pathology knowing it probably wasn’t good either.  On Friday morning she called and asked me how soon I could be at her office.  Not a good sign.  Bill and I went and she gave us the results on all of the new patient blood work and tests as well as the pathology.  Diabetes and cancer in one day…that was a bad one.  She referred me to a gyno-oncologist at Northside the next week.  We saw this lady on Tuesday and I had pre-op on Thursday.  The intent was to do a hysterectomy and hope that was all that was needed.  The following Tuesday I had surgery and she found cancer, not only in my uterus but also in both ovaries.  That was an unexpected blow.  The pathology report showed two different cancers…a good thing believe it or not.  Both are low grade and newly developed.  There was some leakage from my ovaries into my abdomen which is why I will be having chemo to make sure to kill all cancer cells that may have been missed during the surgery.  The lymph nodes were all clear. 

This is a lesson to us all.  They caught mine very early.  That is a blessing.  There are not words to tell you how scary this has been.  I will survive because they caught it all early.  I didn’t feel sick.  I didn’t have what I would consider warning signs.  I had scans and tests on my abdomen that didn’t show anything!  I had a good pap last August…it hasn’t even been a year!  Listen to my voice…Please, please get your yearly check ups.  Pay attention to your body.  Don’t downplay stuff that is happening!  It could be serious.  It has been a whirlwind and my life is forever changed.  Those of you that are survivors know what I am talking about.  You are my inspiration; one step at a time; one foot in front of the other.

God is holding me close.  He is right with me.  He gave me the push I needed to get to the doctor.  He is the master physician. I believe that. But I also believe he uses doctors that he has gifted to walk us through.  He did not promise me I wouldn’t have troubles in life, only that he would be there in the midst.  He will not fail me even in my darkest hour.  He will use even cancer to draw us closer to him.  He is an awesome God.